Make a Note of it
by Cannibalistic Skittles
Summary: New school, new diary. That's the rules. Not that I'll have any trouble filling the pages. Diary, you had no idea what would be in store for you when I brought you away from those dull store walls. Tales of magic and intrigue, if you can believe it. And wait until you hear about the Professors...! [MC/Grabiner, journal entry style]
1. Can I call it going downhill yet?

**September 1st**

Diary, you are not a sentient being, but if you were, I would be sobbing into your strangely present arms right now.

Alright, sobbing is a bit of an exaggeration, but this first entry does begin on a bit of a down note.

Having been on campus for exactly ten minutes, 31 seconds, and 8 nanoseconds (alright, so this is completely made up, but it really hadn't been long), I ran into a professor.

As was probably obvious, I mean this literally.

His name is Professor Grabiner, and he has both the unfortunate enough rapport with the students to be nicknamed Grabby (which I'd feel sorry for if it weren't for events to be detailed momentarily), and the propensity to punish his students, which is also unfortunate, but only for me. He gave me _demerits_. (See what I mean?) Honestly, I'm not sure how much of an effect that's going to have on anything, but it can't be anything good.

_Fun_!

(Read: not fun at all, because I realize you are a diary, and sometimes diaries have trouble grasping such nuances of human conventions as sarcasm.)

He's got a British accent, though, which is just… peachy. Seriously, the man who hates me straight off the bat gets the British accent. Go figure.

Anyway, I guess the plus side of inevitably getting stuck in a class with him (check my track record if you don't believe me about 'inevitable') is finding out if he acts like that with all students or whether it's just me.

…

Ahaha, who am I kidding, it's totally that I get to hear his British accent again.

The roommates seem nice, though! They're out meeting Virginia's brothers right now (note to self: do not forget names of roommates. Virginia and Ellen, Virginia and Ellen, Virginia and Ellen. Forgetting this is _bad_), and I stayed back to organize everything.

All in all, it's a pretty decent start, even with the incident with 'Grabby'. …no, I can't keep a straight face at that.

Sounds like people are coming back, so I'll take this as my cue to sign off.

-Illia


	2. Varieties of Magic

**September 2nd**

Turns out, I don't technically have to take any classes at all.

I think.

However, abusing this is more power than I know what to do this, and it would be really stupid of me to go to a school for witches and wizards and sleep through it.

Today I took classes in blue magic. The way I determined this was through a careful selection of my options and an analysis of the benefits each would offer me.

Also it was the second class on the list and taking the first class straight off is for suckers.

It's taught by Professor Grabiner, of course. I wasn't even surprised.

Aside from a few snide comments, the class was pretty okay. Can't say I learned all that much, but it was only the first day.

I'm almost disappointed. Magic aside, this isn't all that different from high school, though the students are older. I'm hoping something happens to shake things up. Really, how bad could it

What's the worse that could happ

...no I'm not going to finish those because there's no way I wouldn't live to regret those words.

-Illia


	3. Red is for Force

**September 3rd**

Today the teacher said "seductive" in a British accent and that is just unfair. _Un. Fair_.

Granted, this was in class, and the usage was just sort of dated, but

well, _still_.

Turns out Professor Grabiner teaches not only blue magic classes, but red magic, too – though he seems less fond of this. Or of our capabilities.

I'm betting on the latter rather than the former.

…

I absolutely swear I am not going to begin every entry griping about the professor.

I am at a school that teaches magic. Magic is more important than how nice my teachers are. …teacher. Singular. As of yet. (I haven't seen any evidence of a teacher other than him and Professor Potsdam and if I get another class with him tomorrow I am going to set my hair on fire.)

I wish I could say everything comes naturally, but I've got to work to understand it all. It's worth it, though. It's a whole other world here, and I'd study a lot harder than this to learn everything.

(Still, I think I might get a little further in red magic in these first few weeks.)

-Illia


	4. How many teachers are there here?

**September 4th**

Green magic classes today – with Potsdam, fortunately. The magic of life.

It was pretty standard – or at least, it fit in with my expectations – though she did say something interesting… something about our bodies being gardens, and potentially lasting for centuries. I wonder if that's true?

I'm sure they've got a library here somewhere. I should ask around. They might have some books on it.

And it looks like I'm not going to be doing any reverse-growing any time soon – entropy _is_ the reverse of growth, but it takes too much power.

Today was fun, and I feel like I actually learned something.

With any luck, most days will be like this!

-Illia


	5. White and black, not yin and yang

**September 6th**

White magic and black magic seem to be the two that are closest to opposites, in the sense that white magic encompasses the mind and all things non-physical, and black magic is nothing _but_ physical.

The classes are also both taught by Professor Potsdam. (Another victory for me).

As strange as it is – well, that's the problem. I'm learning magic, but it really doesn't seem strange. It just feels like… school. School without direct grades, with subjects I'm interested in, and with fewer teachers.

That's how it feels inside the classrooms, anyway.

Maybe that means I'm getting used to it.

But… when I woke up this morning, I couldn't figure out where I was. It took a moment to remember everything.

It made me feel homesick.

…

Maybe I'll write my parents a letter tomorrow.

-Illia


	6. A social life at a wizarding school

**September 8th**

The letter was delayed!

I spent yesterday at the mall, instead – Virginia insisted. My parents would be so proud. Learning [i]_and_[/i] developing a social life! What a twist.

The school shuttles people down to the malls, so it's apparently a regular event. Despite a busload of students wearing robes and capes flooding the mall, not one person batted an eye. At first, I though this might because they had just gotten used to it – uniforms came in all shapes and sizes, after all. Then I remembered that some among us are questionable human (a term that's admittedly flawed; I guess I'll have to find out if there's a better way to say that), and [i]_that_[/i] would be much harder to overlook.

I think there's some sort of enchantment that keeps us from being noticed.

If there is, what does it do?

Does it make our robes look like normal clothes? If anyone bumped us, that would be a jarring surprise.

Does it draw their gaze away from us, like a distraction charm? That would make it hard to get anyone's attention long enough to buy something.

Is the spell on our clothes? In the bus? Or are the people so used to it, they don't even register us as an oddity?

Virginia shrugged it off when I asked her. I guess I'll just have to test out my theories the next time we go.

So it seems I have a lot to talk about, right?

Well, once I got around to writing the letter, it ended up remarkably short – not even a full page.

I couldn't think of what to say.

Studying magic, and I don't know what to talk about!

It didn't feel right, somehow, to mention my thoughts about the robes, or the spells I'm learning, or the diversity of the other students. So I kept it vague. Mom's probably going to ask for specifics in her next letter, anyway, so hopefully I'll have a better idea of what to say.

It's tucked into my pocket for the time being.

No post on Sundays – so I'll see about delivering it tomorrow.

For now, I may as well go over what I've learned.

-Illia


	7. Initiation -- we're sure this is legal?

**September 9th**

Where to start?

For the sake of continuity, I didn't get that letter sent.

Because – geez, where to start?

They called us into the gym right when we woke up. I 'met' Virginia's brother William there – and what an impression that was!

Freshmen Initiation, they called it.

There, they gave us our rules.

On top of all the usual degrading tasks – not allowed to be taller than a Senior, don't show then our backs, recite a silly poem, respond to commands with "yes sir" and the like – each Freshman gets a 'master'.

Damien is mine. He's… interesting. Blue skin, long purple hair (longer _and_ shinier than mine, I'll add), wings…

He seems sweet, mostly.

Not so much when I stood up on my own - for a moment I thought he was going to hit me or something. I forgot they can't do anything to physically harm us. (Though they really said nothing about our mental health, which is not reassuring.) He said it's just because he doesn't want me to get in trouble, but…

Well, anyway.

He's explained what's going to happen this week, and said he's got to give me a hard time.

Virginia seems to think he's evil, and -

Ellen's already been given a hard time, albeit, not by 'her' senior. I wonder if I shouldn't just have just said _no_ to all this…?

Too late to back out now.

-Illia


	8. Of Love Letters and Embarrassments

**September 10****th**

A love letter. A love letter! Damien's told me to write a love letter!

Well, _had_ told. It's done and finished now.

Big Steve – which, yes, is what I'm really supposed to call him – caught me on my way to class and told me to get him coffee. And who do I find along my way but Damien?

Can't say I completely understand the motivation for having me write one, but he asked.

Ellen was a tremendous help. I don't think I could have done it without her.

It's embarrassing, frankly. And I think it comes off as sounding a little dirty. I wouldn't have written anything like it if Ellen hadn't helped me – would have been paralyzed by crippling insecurity – but getting her help reminded me that it's not an actual love letter. It's just an Initiation thing. And it was... fun.

My handwriting remains, as always, chicken scratch, so she kindly offered to copy it down.

It looks absolutely lovely.

I'm tucking my copy – the first copy – between the next pages. For the memories, right?

Wish me luck…!

-Illia


	9. Of Love Letters and Sheer Mortification

**September 12th**

He found the note.

It was sitting on his desk when we came in – when he came in.

I didn't notice it. If I had noticed it I could have gotten rid of it, but I didn't, and he –

He _read_ it. Right in front of the class, he picked up the love letter I'd meant for Damien and read it aloud.

I admitted to it. Of course. Because if there were spells to find out, he'd know them, and then I'd be in all the more trouble.

He thinks I've written him a love letter now. Professor Grabiner thinks I've written him a love letter!

I'll just… I'll just take Professor Potsdam's classes for the rest of the year. Damien said he'd explain – because apparently, the letter was stolen from his room and was never meant to reach the Professor – but I'm absolutely mortified.

This is exactly the opposite way of gaining my teachers' respect.

Nothing to do now but see what happens, I suppose...

-Illia


	10. Really actually not that terrible

**September 13th**

Dear diary,

Today I was kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again.

It was the best day ever!

…and by 'hillfolk', I mean Seniors.

Friday the 13th – considered a day of good luck for us, what a surprise – marked the end of Initiation. We were herded into the gym again, where we were berated, blindfolded, and tossed around (at least, I assume everyone was. _I_ was. The blindfolds were efficient enough that I couldn't tell), then shoved into a bus.

We ended up having a surprise party. I introduced Damien to Ellen (which could have gone better, but wasn't a total disaster), and the Seniors gave their Freshmen gifts.

…Damien gave me butter. I guess this means he liked the poem!

Which brings me to the other noteworthy event of the day.

Professor Grabiner ran into me before class. (_Not_ literally this time – I'm so proud of me.)

And he... apologized.

Apparently, it's considered a traditional Initiation prank for Seniors to order their Freshmen to profess their love for him. "The very thought of which fills them with horror," he said.

Poor Professor!

If he always reacts the way he did yesterday, I can't say I'm surprised, but to think of it like that…!

I still wish he had let me explain the other day, but from his perspective, his actions seemed perfectly reasonable. Mostly.

He gave me ten merits for the misunderstanding and lost class time, and another ten for having the courage to admit that I did it.

When I thanked him, he assured me that this does [i]not[/i] change anything, and we are [i]not[/i] friends because of this.

Ohoho Professor, it's far too late for that.

I've discovered an inkling of his humanity – with that, it's put the idea in my head. I have not had a teacher who hated me yet, and he is not going to be the first!

…was that the right laugh up there? A noblewoman's laugh – meant to convey deviousness but not necessarily evil-ness?

I think I just used the wrong laugh.

In all seriousness, though, I'm not as terrified of him as I thought I would be. He's certainly strict, but not unreasonable, and I am definitely making progress with my lessons.

Maybe I'll be able to survive in his classes after all.

-Illia


	11. All is well, but boring as --

**September 21****st  
**Mall again. I've got a lot of studying ahead of me, so I thought I'd treat myself! I split a… well, I don't know what you'd call it, but it was huge and sugary and delicious. An amalgamation of sweets. Anyway, I split one with Virginia.

-Illia

**September 22****nd  
**Talked to William today – about Damien. He asked if Damien had hurt me, which was sweet of him to care, but I wonder where that stems from? He wasn't mad at me for asking, and did his best to explain what he knew. I can see why Virginia adores him.  
Studied. Words are starting to blur. Goodnight, diary.

-Illia.

**September 24th  
**Still boring.  
Virginia talking in her sleep has been the most interesting thing to happen in days. Something about William and toothbrushes? I didn't ask.

-Illia


	12. Innovation and Ingenuity

**September 26th  
**Entry written in study hall. Exam today. All at different times, which is new.  
Professor Grabiner is holding it, and he's actually being _helpful_. It's a little scary.  
He's drilling us on the types of magic to use in different situations. I answered one correctly, but he said I need to be more confident when answering, because – and this is a bit of speculation – solutions can come from more places than one (and more than one color of magic) if we're creative enough. ….I _think_. Actually, when people get it wrong, he's just been correcting them, and not chiding them overmuch, so maybe there's something to that?  
Be certain of choices!  
That makes sense, actually. Faltering in the middle of a spell seems like it could have dire consequences.  
He's making his rounds again and he'll be over here soon so I'd better get back to studying. Wish me luck!

**Addendum  
**I passed! Walked away with ten merits, too.  
The exam was, indeed, in a dungeon. I think. Unless it was an illusion. Could have been.  
Anyway, it was just a room with no exits, and my instructions were to find a way out.  
It would have been really, really easy to just try and push the wall down, but…  
Well, Professor Grabiner was the one holding the study session, and then there was my speculation earlier, and. I guess it seemed like he wanted us to think about it more? Justify our choices?  
Green magic was right out, as was White Magic. Black magic was a viable option, but I didn't know what to reshape it into, and I haven't really been taking enough classes in that. …that one's less justification and more a failure on my part. I'll be more balanced with my classes next week, I swear!  
Given that it was only our first exam and a significant portion of the students are wildseed, it seemed unlikely that there would be something _dangerous_ behind the wall, but it was possible – not even taking into account structural integrity. I didn't want to just go blasting through the wall.  
And. Um. He seems to treat that sort of 'easy solution' with more derision, and that might have sort of factored into the decision?  
I am so much of an embarrassment it's not even funny and I'm going to look into ways to keep people from reading this. If anyone _does_ manage to read this before then – hey, at least it worked!  
So it seemed a natural conclusion.  
If I didn't want to change my surroundings, why didn't I just change _me_?  
So I used blue magic. And it worked!  
…sort of.  
I'm not teleporting myself again until I've studied Blue Magic more and I have someone experienced to help me out. That was terrifying. Might need therapy. Wizard therapy.  
The professor seemed sort of impressed, so yay?  
I'm just glad I listened – listened to Ellen when she said it helped explain the other classes (if only marginally) and to Damien, when he recommended the classes.

Alright, I'm going to go before my basking turns to wallowing.

-Illia

* * *

(Author's Note: I've actually never completed the test by successfully using Blue Magic, so please forgive any inaccuracies here. …I love over-thinking things like these. =w=  
And a big thank you to AkiakaneChan and Esmeh for reviewing - it really means a lot! OuO)


	13. Celebrating

**September 27****th  
**Went to the mall to celebrate. Got a package from mom and dad, but I'll wait to find out what it is until I'm alone – the absence is probably going to make dad go heavy on the affectionate nicknames, anyway.  
William brought us an absolutely ginormous cookie.  
An absolutely ginormous, _delicious_ cookie.  
So delicious that I know future!me will be extremely jealous upon rereading this. Or… past!me, if I get caught up in time shenanigans. Or present me, who wants another cookie.  
Mmmm. I'm gonna have to find out where they sell those things.  
I have a good feeling about whatever's coming next.

-Illia


	14. Homesick

**September 29****th  
**Dear diary, I am a sentimental sap.  
Mom and dad sent a package – newspaper and stacks of photographs. Little mention of magic, but… maybe it's as weird for them as it is for me?  
I wish I could see them. Then I'd know.  
I'm getting used to it here.  
This doesn't stop the homesickness.

-Illia


	15. Class Office and a Prank

**September 30****th  
**Virginia seems to think that we should run for class office.  
And by 'we', I mean Ellen and I. Virginia's not running.  
I'm actually thinking about it? Sort of?  
She says it's easy – we just have to go to meetings with the teachers and nod a lot.  
And… if I end up going to non-wizard college (of course I will) it'll look good?  
So… sure, why not. Who knows? Might be fun!  
Hold on, there's noises outside… (shoosh, diary, I'm allowed to take a day or two off and then explore should I deem it necessary.)

Wow okay so that was interesting.  
To sum up – Donald came by to prank Virginia, and I persuaded him to tweak the plan a bit - more cleverness, less outright grossness factor. (Call it payback for all the teasing lately.)  
And it was… less dramatic than I thought it'd be. Everyone's happy?  
It's for the best. At least she wasn't upset.

-Illia


	16. Flowers and Merits

**October 2****nd**  
Planted flowers today. With Donald, actually!  
He's really funny. (And his Potsdam impression is eerily spot-on.)  
Potsdam gave us each ten merits for doing it, though I'm not entirely sure what the point of it was – take some flowers out to put in others. I'd get it if the flowers somehow didn't grow well in the area but…?  
Anyway, it was a lot of fun.  
I'm not even going to do the whole, "oh, he's not actually that bad, why do you dislike him so much" thing to Virginia because they're siblings, and I know how that works. She's known him a lot longer than just a couple of days, and – well, I know how that works.

-Illia

(Author's note: thanks again to Esmeh and to Amelia the Vampire for your reviews! ouo)


	17. Would anyone trusts me to handle money?

**October 4****th  
**Well, I did it.  
I signed up for treasurer.  
Pretty sure this won't mean a thing, but it should make Virginia happy.  
Should I study anything? Look over rules?

Actually? Let's not. I'd look too much like a productive member of society, and I do want mom and dad o recognize me when I come home.

-Illia


	18. Pie and Pinball

**October 5****th  
**Today I ate a pie.  
An entire pie, yes. Without utensils.  
The apple festival was today – only for Seniors – and when Ellen, Virginia, and I got back to our room, there was a box outside, addressed to me. Within was the pie.  
Virginia wondered if William had sent is for treasurer-related reasons, or maybe Isobel taking pity on us. There was no note, so I'll have to wait and found out.  
Anyway, Ellen said in a round-about way that I couldn't eat an entire pie, and I took this as a challenge. A delicious, delicious challenge.  
I am going to have such bad dreams now.  
(I also got Big Steve to talk to me about Bounders. It's the most he's said to me, ever. Look at me now, diary, I am making friends.)

-Illia


	19. Minor entry: Cut back on the pie

**October 6th  
**Good morning, diary. Sleep well? Because I sure didn't.  
No bad dreams, but I did end up with one heck of a stomachache.  
Oog. Next time, let's think twice about eating an entire pie.

-Illia


	20. I swear I'm not crazy, just dedicated

**October 7th  
**Good morning again, diary.  
The reason I'm up so early (which I am, by the way. In case you didn't know) is –  
Professor Grabiner.  
He dropped off some papers and information, and I have a meeting with him later today to discuss strategy.  
...yay?  
I did not actually plan for this. I thought I'd only be working with him if I actually won? And that running was just a lark? (I can use whatever phrase I want to describe a situation, hush.)

**Addendum  
**Okay, so I  
I have something to add.

When I went to talk to the professor about running for treasurer, William showed up and offered to help.  
And then I  
I said I would rather work with the professor.  
It's just that William's already been so nice, and I don't want to take up any more of his time, even if he did volunteer. And… I can't help but feel like it was some sort of test – like they were seeing if I wanted to position enough to actually work for it? I don't, not really, but I may as well put in the effort now. Darn it, roped in or not, I'm not going to fail at this!  
I might do better at it if I'm not guided through this – if it's easy, if someone else is doing all the real work, giving up is no big deal. What have I got to lose? But if I'm actively involved with it, if I know what I'm doing, then… well, I've always fond it hard to resist a challenge.  
So I said I was hoping to gain from Professor Grabiner's experience, and that I wanted to make the campaign mine.  
William seemed startled, initially, and then he smiled and gave me a sort of knowing look.  
I'm a little worried about that look.

Anyway.  
I'm running under the name "Lady Lampshade Head". Cute, no? The professor didn't seem to think so, but fie on him. Fie! (I love that word.)  
I was initially going to go with "A New Hope" – I mean, hey, witch isn't that far off from jedi, and no one can tell me that midi-chlorians aren't the mystical link that's responsible for magic, too – but he said that the imagery of fighting a spaceship battle against a vast, dark army might make some of the students uncomfortable.  
Diary, do you understand what this means?  
Aside from the fact that he's actually giving me advice and doesn't want me to outright fail.

Professor Grabiner.  
Is familiar.  
With _Star_ _Wars_.  
I am getting on his good side if it kills me.

-Illia

(Author's Note: I edited this one so, so many times.)


	21. A crush?

**October 8****th  
**Oh, the worry was well-placed.  
Virginia informed me that William told _her_ that I was practically flirting with Professor Grabiner. Then she asked if I have a crush on him. And I  
said  
yes.  
Sort of. I said that he's interesting, and I explained it as saying that he's intelligent and, frankly, not bad looking. (I think fast when I'm panicked, don't I always say that?  
Bam. Evidence.)

Though... I said that one of the reasons we didn't get along, was there was such a terrible first impression, and that... "we didn't know each other then"? I think I said that?  
Now I'm wondering if that's true.

Well. I suppose I know _him_ better.  
Pretty sure he sees conversations with me as a thing to bear, but I'm not afraid to talk to him anymore.  
No stuttering, even!  
Anyway, it doesn't matter. Reciprocation is _such_ an impossible thought, it almost makes me laugh.  
...pfff. The mind leaps Professor Grabiner writing sappy poetry. Well, Virginia may think I'm strange now, but at least I got some amusing imagery out of it!

-Illia


	22. The impact of hugs on politics

**October 9****th  
**Campaigning today!  
It's a little bit stressful, but I've seen people wearing my buttons, and the vandalism on my posters have been minor, just funny little notes or doodles.  
I am indeed counting that as a good thing.

There were a _lot_ of people out there today. I had to do something to stand out, so - I gave out free hugs. Pastel was very _enthusiastic_ about this.  
...hips should not be involved in hugs.  
The line started stretching out of sight at one point, so it seems to have worked pretty well.

Honestly? I want to win this. I won't go down without a fight!  
But the speech might kill my chances.

-Illia


	23. Success!

**October 11****th  
**I did it. I did it!  
I actually made it as treasurer!  
I hardly stuttered during the speech at all, and I think I actually sounded confidant!  
Minnie apparently won President by a landslide, so Virginia was right to say there was no point in trying for that, but I went up against Jacob for treasurer and won!  
Was it the hugs? Or did people think I'd be responsible? Or…  
Whatever the reason, more than half the freshman class voted for me and I _won_!  
I couldn't really tell what Professor Grabiner thought of that, but he handed me some papers and keys and  
Oh.  
Awww.  
It just sunk in.  
Shoot, I'd better get to bed now or I'll be exhausted in the morning.

-Illia


	24. Ah, mornings

**October 12****th  
**The taste of victory is bitter indeed.  
Alright, so it's not that bad, but it's five in the morning and I'm sitting in front of a pile of letters and envelopes. (The change of pace must be interesting, right? Don't say I never took you any place nice!)  
This is how I get to spend my Saturdays: distributing money and sorting letters.  
...it's cold in the morning.  
I've been spending so much time inside and wearing robes that I hadn't really noticed before that the temperature's been steadily dropping. It's autumn, now, and winter's not too far off. I came here at the very end of summer, and now…  
Time flies when you're having fun.

You know what? I _am_ having fun.  
Forget grumbling about this, it's perfectly lovely in the morning, it's quiet and still, I'm being productive, and I – I've _missed_ waking up unreasonably early for school. Three hours is not going to kill me.  
'Whistle while you work' will do just fine for me.  
...not literally, though. I doubt the other students would share my views.

-Illia


	25. Studying, and a short test of spells

**October 18****th  
**Minnie Cochran stopped me in the halls today. Offered to tutor me in magic if I fall behind. She seems… nice, I suppose. I can't tell if she's being genuine or not. I'll be finding out soon enough.  
And you'll be pleased to know, diary, that I am in the process of protecting your pretty pages. In more ways than one! As a very minor spell, you should now be more resistant to burning, water damage, and possession. …that one came tied in with the rest.  
The only downside to this is that I am in no way willing to test _how_ resistant you are.  
I'm still looking up whether it's possible to shade your secrets – my secrets – from prying eyes.

-Illia


	26. Panic Mode

**October 24****th  
**I FORGOT THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAM TOMORROW WHAT IF I'M NOT READY  
I HAVEN'T BEEN STUDYING ANYTHING SPECIAL  
WHAT IF I FAIL

-I


	27. Panic Over

**October 25****th  
**Um.  
Yeah, everything was completely fine, I just teleported the bridge across the chasm.  
Sorry for... scribbling angrily in your margins, diary, I guess I'm overly paranoid of getting kicked out of wizard school.  
This is the best thing to ever happen to me. I've never felt more put-together. It's like... I've been waiting for this, and everything else was just there to fill the time.  
...am I making sense? I'm not. I'm cutting the rambling off there. Things would be so much easier if we had a normal grading scale. I don't do well with pass/fail.  
How about I just focus on studying _all_ types of magic to prevent this sort of panic, huh? Yeah, that seems good.

-Illia


	28. We just got a letter! wait, no

**October 30****th  
**I got a note from Damien today.  
He says he wants to talk to me before the Dark Dance tomorrow, and… look, if I try to summarize it, I'll end up analyzing every line, and that's not fair to him. I _am _tucking it in here. For reference. Or memories? Memories sounds less ominous, more hopeful. Augh, I wish I knew what was going on.

On another, lighter note, Virginia gave Donald his present yesterday.  
Yellow socks.  
Apparently, my suggestions didn't impress. Shame. I would have loved getting a punchy robot.

-Illia


	29. Friends again?

**November 1****st  
**Gooooooood morning diary!  
Boy, have I got a lot to say. Not so much length-wise, but weight-wise.

So. I caught up with Damien before the dance.  
He apologized for brushing me off and acting like an all-around jerk about the situation.  
Turns out he – has trouble getting close to people. Trusting them. And when he started trusting me, which he did, he tried to distance himself. A lot of failed relationships and secrets behind that.  
But apparently I'm different – honest and sweet and full of light. I'm glad the hallway was dark, because I'm pretty sure my face was pink.  
He says he wants to be friends. Try to be friends.  
I said yes, of course.  
I guess this means… well. I don't know, actually.

The dance itself was almost mundane in comparison, but after hours of twirling in darkness, everything felt surreal.  
By the time I got back, I flopped into bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Or… face mushed into the sheets. Waking up this morning was uncomfortable.  
That's all for now. I wonder what surprises next week will hold?

-Illia


	30. That's one door closed

**November 2****nd  
**Looks like neither Ellen nor I have the slightest change with William.  
Ellen's crushed. Seems she tried to ask him to the dance. He was gentle about it, but he still rejected her offer.  
Is it bad that I'm a bit relieved?  
Not at Ellen's unhappiness, of course! No matter how sweet a person may be about it, getting turned down stings, I won't deny that.  
Just… well, look at it this way – if something _does_ end up happening between them, then it has a better chance of lasting, right? It'll be based on more than the two months they've known each other.  
But if it _doesn't...  
_William's a nice guy. He's kind to his sister _and_ to his sister's friends. He's got that good role model/genuinely nice guy thing going for him. And that's the sort of thing we need at this point – someone supportive. A friend!  
Alright, alright, I'm done. Yeesh, I've got to stop looking too closely at other people's love lives.  
...actually, I've got to stop spilling words over the page and do something coherently.

-Illia


	31. This one I know about in advance

**November 4****th  
**Today Professor Grabiner told me about the class tribute. Payments we make to the tribal councils to use their land.  
Not that I've ever heard about that, but I'm treasurer, and I've got a say in how it goes.  
Some of the funds come from ticket sales later in the year; that, I can't do anything for. But a lot of the funding comes from candle sales, and I'm expected to help with that.  
I'll be working at the booth, and weighed in on some of the details.  
I suggested red cinnamon votive candles.  
Mmm, cinnamon. I think I'll buy one for myself.  
...or two.  
...or four, and send some back home.

-Illia


	32. This is what friends do, right?

**October 8****th  
**Damien has asked me out on a – on a not-a-date.  
Some place special. Interesting, anyway.  
...better food. This might be the driving force behind my agreement. Let's see how that turns out.  
In any case, I'm meeting him at the mall. He _seems_ fairly nonchalant about it, so I... will be acting like this is completely and totally a thing between friends. And it is.  
Hopefully.

-Illia.

.


	33. Things Learned

**October 9****th  
**Today's events could be classified individually as entirely different – so, a mixture.  
Ellen found out that there's been a change of plans and that she's not coming home for Thanksgiving. Virginia suggested spending the day with each other, but I had already promise Damien. I felt bad, but… I don't think I would have been much help – I probably would have just sat around not knowing what to say and being vaguely sad.  
I'll make it up to her. I really, really will. Legitimately. I'm not just saying (writing?) that to feel less guilty. I grabbed a couple sugar strawberries (more on that soon) to give to her, to start. I should be able to talk to her later.

Now, with Damien...  
I had some time to wander about the store. The magic store (which is hard to find! Most likely deliberately, but I passed it three times!) has some interesting wares. Wands! Guess those are actually used here. There's one I like that's a little out of my price range, but I should be able to get it by saving up.  
I spent a while just wandering through the mall, looking through the windows. Nobody stopped to talk to me, nobody looked twice.  
Nobody looked twice when Damien showed up, either.  
He took me to this place called The Glen. It's just a little ways from the mall, and it's amazing. A little underwhelming at first glance, but the food there is extensive. (And wonderful, especially compared to the food here.)  
I had something called an amuizon. The flavor changes with every bite until you laugh. Then, blown-sugar strawberries, with a liquid inside. (See? Full circle! ...or half-circle!)

He talked to me about his life. His past, how he's been treated (basically? _Badly_.), how things have turned out...  
He's a changeling, first off. Switched at birth. He said he didn't always look like he does now – I wonder how he looked before? Doesn't know his birth parents, which is suspicious to most. Casts him in a bad light because of that.  
Out of respect, I won't write it all down. Personal things. (And oh, I felt terrible. Misconceptions causing problems. I certainly know a lot about that!)

I do wonder, though - why not tell Potsdam just what he told me?  
But there are extenuating circumstances. Sometimes it's just plain difficult to explain important things to important people.  
...did I just call myself unimportant? Huh. I think I did, in a round-about way.  
I'm important enough to be trusted, anyway. Maybe I'll find a way to help.

-Illia


	34. Detention

**November 14****th  
**Today, all the freshmen dueled. Donald was my partner.  
...that went, horribly, horribly wrong  
Donald told me to duck when he gave me the cue, and then – he created a _dragon made of fire_.  
I stood up for him against Professor Potsdam – because I really wasn't in any danger – and got detention because of had to sort and count pebbles and Professor Grabiner was disdainful and It was difficult and time-consuming. (I'm sorry, Professor, I've failed youuuuu...)  
Since I had to count every single pebble, it was hard to let my mind wander.  
And... Donald asked a favor of me – to find out what William thinks of him.  
Three major drawbacks of today: I look even more childish in the Professor's eyes (thus setting me back further to getting on good terms with him), I have to ask William about his relationship with his brother, which has the potential for an extremely awkward situation, and after all that I didn't even get to see the fire dragon.

-Illia


	35. Medea

**November 22****nd  
**Tonight, Ellen and I went to see Medea. I'm not usually one for that sort of thing (which is to say, I'm about as far from cultured as you can get), but it was a fascinating tale, really.  
So much grief caused out of spite – though Jason seemed to be at the center of it all.  
Anyway, Ellen and I talked for a while about revenge, and what might motivate us to do something like that. I'm not sure I ever could. I'd be furious, certainly, but poisoning?  
I think I'd want to try and forget about it. It's hard to say with so little experience as I have.  
Better get to sleep soon. I've got a long day ahead of me.

-Illia


	36. Candles and strawberries - huh?

**November 23****rd  
**You might be wondering where we are right now. I imagine that it must seem strange and wondrous at the moment, with so many strange sights, and you, so unused to life outside those grey walls...!  
Welp, now we're at the mall.  
I know, it's a little risky with so many people around, and there's a chance Professor Grabiner will confiscate you and start leafing through your pages, and... basically, a lot could go wrong.  
It won't, though! I'm confident in this! Or - I'm choosing to believe this because I agreed to take Minnie's shift along with mine and I'm going to be here for a while.  
The candles – the ones I chose and then helped to make (which I didn't mention mostly because candle-making is _hard_ and I don't want to let that ruin my view of candles. ...also because I've been studying all week and I was tired) – look lovely, and from the gaps, they've been pretty well received. Ah, so proud.  
Let's see how well it goes, shall we?

* * *

Been standing a while. Candles selling well. Bless whoever decided to light some of them. Makes it a little warmer, and the scent is comforting.

* * *

Still standing. Tired. Excitement wearing thin.

* * *

Knees hurt.

* * *

Well, thanks a lot Angela. Your support is noted. Humph.

* * *

It really is getting late. I don't know what time it is, but some of the shops are beginning to close down. Nobody's been by in a while. One of the candles burned its wick won into the wax and I don't have the heart to relight it. Isn't it nearing time to close up? There's not enough candles to box up - which I'm pleased about, sure, but it gives me little to do, and the noise made by packing up might get the Professor's attention. Maybe he's just distracted by his book...?  
Or... or maybe we really need these funds and we're staying here just in case?  
I'll... get to rearranging the candles.

* * *

...the man running the coffee shop across from here just waved at me sadly and smiled at me in what I think was a sympathetic way as he locked up.  
What time _is _it?

* * *

Three shops are open. Three. The last customer emerged about twenty minutes ago, and even they were unsteady on their feet.

* * *

Fideli certa merces.  
Or at least, I hope so. Faith that I'm doing this right keeps me from punishment...?  
Tired. Very, very tired.  
I refuse to bother him.

* * *

Hello again, diary. I'm a little flustered.  
Professor Grabiner took me to the Glen. You know, that cozy, literally-magic place that Damian took me to?  
Yeah, there.  
I, uh. Almost fell over. He caught me. Falling on a table of candles would not have been my brightest moment.  
He brought me here - didn't want people to think he'd worked me to the bone on purpose, he said.  
He was really nice about that.  
Said that it was incredibly stupid on my part, but still let me rest a bit before going back.  
Small talk did _not_ work - the Cambrian period is fascinating, but I still cannot decipher the rest of that title – but being in a social situation with him wasn't all that awkward.  
...alright, yes it was, but now I know it's possible - and that silence can be comfortable with him.  
Hmm.

-Illia

**Postscript** – it looks like the reason we stayed so late _was_ that he was absorbed in his book. That's kind of c  
nope nope nope nope not finishing that nope.

**Post-postscript** - ...endearing. I might accept that. Anyone could be endearing if they did that.


	37. Away to home

**November 25****th  
**Well, this is it. I'm heading home soon. For the first time since my arrival, I'm going home.  
I'm all nerves, right now. Excited and scared, both. I'm not allowed to talk about magic to my parents at _all_, for whatever reason. Upholding the masquerade is important, I know, but they aren't very clear on _why_. Maybe those born into a magical household would know better.  
It shouldn't be too hard to keep from talking about it. Just skim over the lessons exactly, focus more on the pacing, how much I'm learning, the people I meet...

Minnie came by to say that Professor Grabiner thought I did well – since she didn't think he'd deliver the message himself.  
It was really sweet of her – not least because I know he actually did notice my actions beyond 'didn't pay attention to time and nearly toppled over onto a display of candles'.  
I'm liking Minnie more than I thought I would. She's genuinely helpful, and her popularity seems well-earned.  
Well, here goes. The next entry I write will be from home!

-Illia


	38. Not as Expected

**November 29th**  
No. No no no.  
I can't do this. I really can't. Not today.  
Not this week, not this month—  
I've been so good at not keeping secrets from my parents, and that's not always easy, but this – this doesn't even compare.  
They didn't even _ask_.  
They looked right at me and asked how Chemistry was going, if I had to read anything familiar in English, if I've had to work with clay in Art class.  
I've done my best to answer their questions and integrate the truth in my answers , but I know I must have sounded half-hearted and confused.  
I'm going to be leaving them behind again, won't be seeing them for a month, and I'm _glad_ to be going.

Well.  
Maybe not all glad.  
Last night my mother came in and she sort of pet my hair and called me her darling dove and said that things would turn out alright somehow, and she trusts me.  
I'm going to miss that.

-Illia


	39. Are the secrets necessary?

**November 30****th  
**Going back soon. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'll be writing next back at the Academy. Can you believe that the last time I said something like that, I was _excited_?

...I've been doing some thinking.  
Why keep people in the dark? They'd ask questions, sure, but what use is there really to uphold the masquerade? To protect people? Leaving them clueless about the dangers around them might work for a child, but if you wish that child to have a choice – to grow and learn – they have to find out about the world and how it works, not be sheltered forever and yeah that metaphor got a bit away from me.

I could do something about it.  
Because what if people would be better off knowing? Knowing there was more out there? What if it was possible to tell them? I could talk to my parents about everything and feel like we were having a real conversation for the first time in weeks, and I could act like I wasn't hiding anything from them and have it be _true_, and... look, I'm not going to do anything _too_ drastic, but if the system is flawed, really and truly, then – well, there's nothing to say that I can't do a little reformation once I've graduated.  
And if it _is_ the best system, well, that's that. Not saying I'll be happy with it, but I really don't want and harm to befall my parents. Or anyone.

Augh. When I made The Choice, I had no idea that everything would be so complicated.

-Illia


	40. There and back again

**December 1****st  
**Somehow, even with all of today's hectic events, it's less complicated than it was at home.  
First – mom and dad sent me off with wishes of health and happiness and luck and good grades and it was utterly unremarkable except for the fact that we haven't talked about anything important since I left. They didn't drop me off when we saw the Academy, this time, though they offered.  
This time, they let me out closer to the gates, and ruffled my hair right out of its ponytail and smothered me in love and pride.  
It helped.

I talked to Virginia and Ellen about it. Apparently...  
Our parents – the parents of the wildseeds – are 'encouraged' to forget. To forget about magic. About all of this.  
Someone's been messing with my parents' minds, and they expect me to be okay with that.  
...I'm not.  
I just don't know what to do.  
How do you start a social revolution? Social reform?  
Be someone with influence, I guess. Someone people trust. I'm almost certainly going to have to graduate, first, to be sure I understand the way things work and why, and…  
I'm not cut out for this sort of critical thinking. Let's try and think lightly.

We had an exam today. First day back, and an exam! A reminder to keep our skills sharp, I suppose.  
...it was nice. Easy enough, and it meant there would be less of an awkward transition stage. Already, they expect me to jump back in the thick o things. It's a comfort.  
It involved mostly walking through a dungeon, looking it over, then trying to find a way out.  
I pretty much just cast 'breeze' until the air stopped flowing right – went through walls, instead of bouncing off.  
Easy-peasy. Didn't have to think much.  
Ellen... wasn't so lucky. She did what I had done, in that the looked at the entire layout, but there were some big differences. Firstly? Ellen didn't use any magic. At all. Nope, this brilliant girl made use of all her knowledge, used all her intelligence to analyze the place and find the fault in the spells, and to _make_ her brain accept the answer.  
And it wasn't counted.  
Being creative is only applicable if you use magic to channel your creativity. Go figure.  
Ellen sought out Professor Grabiner – while I trailed along helplessly – and in the middle of a hallway, _shouted_ at him about how flawed the system is. I'll admit, she's much braver than I.  
She was given detention because of it, but... she may be able to explain her reasoning and get the Professors to see things her way. I hope so.  
If not, well... I could always use a hand with my idea, and I think she'd understand.  
Alright, alright, enough of this. It may not even be necessary.  
I'll rest for a while, and then I'll be able to think about how happy I am to be back.

-Illia


	41. Now how did that get there?

**December 5th**  
So... someone got their hands on one of my bras. Potsdam stopped me in the halls to give me a paper bag. Inside – the bra, freshly laundered.  
I'm not actually that embarrassed about the whole thing because really, it's just clothing, and they – which is to say, the boys who were tossing it around like a toy – had no way was of knowing it was mine.  
Though - what if they used a spell to identify it first? Augh, I've no evidence to prove or disprove this, may as well forget it.  
I wonder who took it?  
...and _why?_

-Illia


	42. Balanced, now?

**December 8th**  
Damien asked me to play 'Flowerstones' with him today, and though it seemed like a good chance to talk to him (and to find out exactly what that game is), it would have involved missing Sports Club.  
I turned him down – asked if it'd be possible to do it another day, I mean. I had already felt terrible about skipping out on them when Ellen found out she couldn't go home for Thanksgiving.  
He seemed a little put out, but agreed to do it on Friday.  
I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. ...wait, I can rephrase that to sound less childish: I hope that my actions didn't offend him.  
Yeah, that's better.

-Illia


	43. Secret Santas

**December 11th**  
Secret Santas were assigned today. I got Virginia.  
Pretty sure that's rigged. I mean really, out of all the freshman at Iris Academy, I get my roommate? Even if it were just out of the girls in Horse Hall, it seems a little fishy.  
...though I do have two roommates, so that does double the odds of getting someone in my room.  
Oh well.  
Plus, I've recently found out that I won't have to worry about a Christmas exam.  
Yay!

-Illlia


	44. Flowerstones -- and a conspiracy?

**December 13th**  
Played flowerstones with Damien today. Complicated, but fun! I think it'll take a few more tries to get used to it. He was very reassuring throughout it. Didn't make me feel stupid for not knowing the rules.

He's suggested that we may both be victims of bullying. Specialized bullying, I suppose. That is, he linked the disappearing love letter with the disappearing bra, saying that they were both taken, only to reappear in another place where they caused embarrassment.  
Now, if it were just the love letter, I could understand, but my bra? There's _got_ to be some ulterior motive behind that.  
At least they didn't take my underwear.

-Illia


	45. Slight Complications

**December 14th**  
Snow!  
...so much snow that we've had to cancel trips to the mall for the time being. I wonder what everyone's going to do for their Secret Santas?  
(Furthermore, what am _I_ going to do for my Secret Santa?)  
Hopefully, Virginia will understand. ...not that there's really another option.  
Maybe I can bring something back for her after the break?

**Addendum  
**Hello diary!  
It's fairly late here, and so I'm doing this quickly – Donald invited me to build a snowman with him. How could I say no?  
The, uh, beets kind of bled into the snow, by the end of it. (Zombie snowman!) Still, it's been years since I've been out in the snow, and the first time I've ever made an _actual_ snowman.  
Throughout it, he talked about his relationship with Virginia. He's had more than his share of middle child syndrome. Feels like he isn't noticed, too.  
Still, he did seem to be having fun!

-Illia


	46. Complications Resolved

**December 16th **  
The dilemma of the Secret Santas has been solved!  
Which is to say, Professor Potsdam got us together to make collages to give to each other. (And provided pizza. Mmm, pizza.)  
I decorated Virginia's with cakes and candies, and tried to make the paper look Christmas-y. Tried being the key word. They're a little lopsided.  
It's not the best gift, but it's better than nothing, right?

-Illia


	47. Chorale

**December 19th**  
Saw a chorale performance today. Virginia was hesitant because – alright, mainly because Donald was here. But Ellen was also there, and we wanted to support her. (And it was free, so. That helped).  
They sounded lovely and wonderful and I am envious. If I ever tried to do something like that, my voice would crack and I'd trip over nothing and  
Yeah it's really for the best that I decided not to join chorale.  
(And they served refreshments afterwards, so Virginia left in a good mood.)

-Illia


	48. Christmas Break

**December 20th**  
Potsdam had us all gathered in an assembly today. She cast a spell and told us to think of someone, and if the person we were thinking of has us in their minds, we'd know.  
I thought about the Professor.  
...I am sad. I am a sad person.  
For a moment, though I thought I felt a tug. Maybe he was thinking about me?  
For once, I am not going to mar that by listing off a bunch of worried reasons for why this could never be.  
It's (nearly) Christmas! I'm allowed to hope.

-Illia


	49. First Day Back

**December 21st**  
The house is cozy, cozy, cozy and all is good with the world.  
Turns out there's a _lot_ I can say without breaking the 'no magic' rule. People – talking about people doesn't break the rules. I've spoken to my parents about Donald and Virginia, how wonderful they are separately but how much they clash when together; about Ellen, and how she's scared of being forgotten (and here, they ruffled my hair and assured me both that I would never be forgotten and that things will turn out well for her); about Damien, who I said was ostracized for his differences but really was sweet; about Pastel; about Manuel; about Big Steve; about William.  
Even about Professor Grabiner, though I mostly mentioned that I don't think I'm _quite_ such a nuisance to him as I once was, and that I've studied diligently enough to surprise him on a few rare occasions.  
...and that he has a British accent.  
I can even discuss the basic principles behind the pentachromatic scale – that colors can be attributed to certain elements. (My mother even helped me along in these explanations, guessing at the reasons for the colors.)  
That red can be used to denote force (quick and impulsive, like anger, she says), blue for change (subtler than the physical, and calmer, but bright in color, still, and pervasive in its influence), green for growth (this one she just waved off, perceiving it as a bit too obvious for her tastes), black for physical (and this one puzzled her), white for mental (and this one delighted her).  
I can get used to this, on small levels.  
I can be happy like this.

-Illia


	50. Merry Christmas

**December 24th**  
Christmas Eve.  
Things are normal-ish now.  
The tree is lit up, there's presents, we've even put out cookies and milk – pretty sure my parents were more excited than that – and it's late. Very late.  
I'm going to stay up just long enough to write…  
(Wait for it...)  
**December 25th**  
Merry Christmas, diary.

**Addendum**  
Mom made cinnamon rolls.  
And by 'made cinnamon rolls', I mean 'badly burned the ever-living essence out of store-bought dough and started a small grease fire and refused to let anyone help until dad finally shooed her out of the kitchen and emerged an hour later with perfect pastries'.  
Maybe we shouldn't let her have even holidays to try out recipes.

Anyway, there was less focus on presents this year than in years past.  
I got a bunch – mostly books and oddities – but it was something in the way they acted. They talked to me more like... like a peer, like equals, and that's... I dunno. Good, I guess.  
Intimidating. I still have so much to learn. Much as I've always prided myself in being book-smart, there's still more to know about how the world works that I can't get from reading.  
We're going to watch (terrible) old movies In a few hours, once it gets dark.  
It's Christmas. I'm going to be lazy and unproductive and happy and take a nap.

-Illia


	51. Interlude: Letters

**Interlude: Letters**  
_(Tucked into the pages following are several letters.)_

_Ellen,_

_Merry Christmas! _  
_...though I suppose this is likely to reach you on another date. Still, it should get there around that time. Tell me all about it when we get back!_  
_How is everything? How's your sister? Is she still taking attention or_  
_Wait_  
_That's a really insensitive way of phrasing that_  
_Uh_

The letter trails off into scribbles, and leads into another one.

_Virginia,_

_Honestly, I know the chances of you replying to this are pretty low, especially since we'll be seeing each other in a few days, but as you can see – sending it anyway._  
_Wait that sounds needlessly accusatory doesn't it_

And another.

_Professor Grabiner,_

_How have you_  
_I hope this letter finds you well_

_Alright, no, looks like this is one for the diary._  
_This was a bad idea. _  
_This was all a bad idea._


	52. New Year (but please, no new start)

**December 31st/January 1st**

Happy New Year!  
See that sentence up there?  
That sentence was written in two different years.  
...no alcohol this year, diary. Works just fine for me. I didn't ask, they didn't offer.  
I've been doing some thinking again. (A dangerous pastime, I know.) I'll have a lot to write tomorrow.

-Illia


	53. Lists and Libraries

**January 2nd**  
I'm making a list of all the magic-related topics I am or might be able to talk about. Some of them may seem obvious, but I'm including the anyway. I don't want to risk skipping over anything.

Houses: This one should be simple. My parents already know I'm in Horse Hall, but the last time I talked to them, I didn't really understand the other Houses. Not that I'm an expert on them, but I think I can guess at the salient characteristics of those that are placed in them.  
Wildseeds: As dangerous as it sounds, I'm going to have to perform so much fact-twisting that it won't even be about magic. The only question is, after all that, will it be worth bringing up?  
Types of magic: I've mentioned this before. (Last year, as a matter of fact! ...yeah, sorry diary, I'm not going to stop finding New Years jokes funny for a while longer.) Are there ways to elaborate on this in ways that won't be breaking the rules? "I read it in a book, what do you think this would be like if it were real...?"  
Specific Spells: Now this is dangerous. If I _did_ use the "I read it somewhere" excuse, I would be able to just talk about it – "teleportation would, I think, be a power connected to Blue magic because it involves a change in position, but not in creation or destruction of the teleported object". And if not... well, it require more puzzling through.  
Love Life: So discussing this won't bring about the cataclysmic end of the world as we know it, but it _is_ embarrassing. They've always told me to go at my own pace (except when dad says that having no pace at all in this area is absolutely fine with him), but I know they must have _some_ expectations of me.  
So there's that.  
And...  
Oh, right, did I mention? The other school thing? I should have mentioned. For... posterity. Or really, for context.  
Anyway, I've been taking classes online to make up for the time I'm missing here. Hey, going to a magical school isn't going to stop me from graduating high school!  
I still need to know Calculus, I still need to know Physics, Spanish will be useful, Language will help me see the meaning of the written and spoken word and analyze situations to find the deeper meaning behind them… and speaking of Language (heehee) – I have an essay due today. It's been assigned since this morning.  
...okay, so it was assigned two days ago, but I'm getting to it now. Procrastination works just fine for me, thanks.  
While it would be much quicker and easier (and maybe even give more accurate results, given the state the building is in), I'm heading to the library to research topics for it.  
I've missed that place.

-Illia


	54. Conspiracies and Cautions

**January 3rd**  
Yesterday I did a bad thing.  
(No, not forgetting my essay. I actually did finish that, believe it or not.)  
Defacing public property isn't usually my style, but it somehow seemed appropriate.  
Let me see if I can explain.  
So that book Professor Grabiner had – "Some anomalies in interpretations of fragmentary great-appendage arthropod fossils from lower Cambrian shales" – well, turns out we've got it here. It's not actually as strange as it may seem (the fact that we have it, not the book itself, which is dry but informative).  
Our library tends to not have new books. Finding anything in there published less than a decade ago means that it's either an extremely well-selling book, or else its presence there is a fluke.  
Before they shut the university down, pretty much everyone used the library there, so the one in town was little used. And then, well, _after_ it closed, we had a whole mess of textbooks to relocate. A lot of them just came here. Some good ones – useful ones – but the majority of them are too specific to appeal to most students.  
Like this one.  
...the point of all this was: I wrote a note in the book.  
And, honestly, it's not like anyone's really going to read it anytime in the near future – the amount of dust I blew off its cover alone was appalling – and I didn't write in the book itself, and Ms. H (the librarian) even saw me doing it and just shook her head, but. Still.  
It was a note of – reminders, I suppose.  
In the unlikely event (I hope) that they do have to take away my magic, and my memories, too… well, I don't want that to happen. I want to retain the memories, if nothing else. So I wrote little reminders, things that might trigger memories when viewed within a book that really shouldn't be familiar.  
...I think the thing bothers me the most about it is how I'm acting like some sort of conspiracy nut. (The best way to deal with this so far is to remind myself that not even half a decade ago, I had no idea that magic was real, let alone that I would be a witch some day.)  
I guess it'll make an interesting story later in life, at the very least.  
Gotta go. Will be spending the remainder of the day going over velocity and displacement.

-Illia


	55. Notes: Red Magic

**Notes: Red Magic**  
I've realized, in my efforts to inform my parents, that I haven't actually written very much about what I'm learning.  
Not that this is anything new.  
But I _am_ learning magic, and I should at least make a note of that.  
Currently, the notes on spells are running a little slow. I've been writing and rewriting the same text for hours.  
I'm writing it on other paper, too, began when you were away and I had things to say. Scraps are less conspicuous than an entire book.

Red magic deals with force, simply put. Energy. Not _quite_ creating, but Red magic rules over such actions as lighting a fire or calling forth air.

Breeze – very simple, first level spell. Summons a slight burst of air. It's been useful in dungeons, so far. The air tends to flow towards open areas, so finding the way out is simple.  
Push Object – only marginally different from Breeze, if you think about it. Posh Object does just as it sounds. It's not very powerful, so objects fixed to the ground are less likely to move, and it doesn't move things very far. (Yet, anyway. I haven't been able to test if it's results become more spectacular with repeated use and more concentration, and magic, too.)  
Warm – also simple. It builds off of Breeze: while Breeze just pulls in air to move faster, Warm does it on a smaller level, making it move at a rate where the air heats up (so an increase in energy). There's not much air displacement, so it only increases the temperature slightly, and in a small area. It's mostly focused on the caster – me, in this case.  
Spark – also uses Breeze and Warm, but in subtler, smaller ways. It sends a spark of energy towards a target. It's like Warm concentrated from a cube of air into a condensed spike, and Breeze sends it moving forward. Spark has a chance of setting something on fire, though it's not 100%.  
Slash – builds most obviously off of Spark. Instead of sending heat towards a target, this uses the air itself to cause damage or destruction. This one is, I'll admit, a little tricky to handle. It can have effects similar to recoil upon casting, (I've stumbled more than once when trying this out) and doesn't always go where you want it to.  
Crush – this is the most force-oriented spell I've learned, as of yet. You cast Crush at an object or area, and force pushes in on it from all sides, crushing the object, if it's possible to do so.  
I've learned fragments of others, too, and learned ways to combine spells, but these are the ones I was directly meant to know.  
(...I'm learning, I'm learning, I'm learning!)

-Illia


	56. Back Again

**January 5th**  
It's good to be back.  
Virginia asked how the break was, and I was blunt. No point in hiding it.  
Ellen is wonderful, by the way. Absolutely lovely.  
I've been sharing notes and ideas with her, and she's offered a few suggestions.  
In any case, I think I'm going to crack open some of the books I got, and maybe write some notes.

-Illia


	57. Notes: Blue Magic

**Notes: Blue Magic**  
This, I believe, is my favorite. It's so flexible, and I pick up on it well (not to be pompous, but I do know the most spells in this color, and I did teleport out of the first dungeon semi-successfully, which apparently was not expected of me so early in the curriculum).

Blue magic deals with change. Not creating, not destroying, but change. Objects and elements already present can be manipulated, and moved.

Light – simple. Brings light to where there once was none. Not entirely sure what makes this work. Still useful.  
Farsight – also simple. Farsight allows the caster to see… well, further. Not like binoculars, more like… a crystal ball? If you've been somewhere, and it's near, you can cast the spell and see the area.  
Silence – self-evident. Renders something temporarily noiseless. I haven't had much of a chance to test this out, but I believe it works on non-living things as well. A squeaky door, for instance.  
Truesight – sees through illusions. It's not very far-reaching, but it makes up for this with how effective it is. And let me tell you, going from looking at a perfectly ordinary wall to staring through a dark passageway is _very_ disconcerting, and a common result of using this spell.  
Darkness – cloaks everything in darkness. [i]Everything[/i]. Non-magical means are not supposed to cut through this.  
Teleport Other – self-evident. However, you cannot use this to teleport something to any random location. You have to know the place where you want to move the object – or person.  
Teleport Self – more difficult that teleporting something or someone else. You not only have to know where you're going, you also have to keep that in mind as you focus on the spell itself – and envision yourself as turning out _right_ while you're casting the spell. Requires a fair bit of concentration.  
Disruption – interrupts the casting of a spell. Makes it… stop. Like cutting through electrical wires, assuming it doesn't electrocute you in the process. Haven't yet found out if Disrupting a spell ever results in unpleasant or unintended consequences. Doesn't affect already cast spells.  
Dispersion – the name is actually not indicative of its effects. The caster sacrifices some of their magic (a topic I'll go over later, because it's absolutely fascinating)) in order to make the target lose a proportionate amount of magic. Not very useful, in my opinion, but it could be used if the opponent is running out. It'd stop them from attacking with spells, I think.

That's mostly all the (pure) Blue magic spells I know at this moment. I know spells that use a combination of this and other colors, but I'll cover those later.

-Illia


	58. Classes again

**January 6th**  
Saw Damien today. He stayed at the Academy over the break – doesn't want to talk about his family, or his home situation.  
He also gave me a gift. A late Christmas present, I suppose. It was a rose, formed out of stone. He made it himself – says I'll be able to do similar tasks in a few years, when I get to Advanced Black Magic.  
It was really sweet of him. It's currently resting on the dresser, my only addition to decorations other than my books.  
I wish I could give something to him. All I have is some left-over candies, which Virginia's probably going to end up snatching. He said that, um, my being here is enough. Corny, but sweet. I think I'll try to give him something anyway. Something from the mall? I'll give this some thought.  
And – today, I learned the spell Reflection, a Blue magic spell. It transfers a spell in progress onto the caster. Say someone tried to hit me with a silence spell – with a successful Reflection, they end up being the one with the closed-up mouth. (Imagine if you could successfully Reflect a Slash or Crush spell!)

-Illia


	59. Notes: Green Magic

**Notes: Green Magic**

Green magic deals with growth, with life. Entropy, in the form of forcing to grow the wrong way, is also covered by green magic, but we generally don't cover that, and it requires a lot more energy. (Thinking of it like a river – going the way the water flows is easy, but going against the current is more difficult, as the water pushes against you rather than carrying you along.)

Diagnosis – allows the caster to look over (the health of) a living creature, and informs them of any injuries or wounds. This one is also strange. It's like you just _know_ how they feel, health-wise, and you _know_ what's wrong with them. Given enough strength, the spell can also give you an indication (through mental impressions) of how the wound occurred. Not the most pleasant of spells, but magical vets must be amazing.  
Track Scent – allows the caster to track things that have passed through an area. It's more of a feeling than direct knowledge, though once you (I) learn(ed) more Green magic... well, the more knowledge Track Scent gives. There is a limit to it, bit it can be pretty useful.  
Heal – mends injuries and wounds, but only minor ones. Not yet sure if it can be used to superficially heal major wounds, or the nature of the spell only affects those which aren't life-threatening, and diseases are uncharted territory. Much as I'd like to find out more about this, it would be nice to not need to put it to use.  
Boost Strength – simply enough, Boost Strength gives a temporary burst of strength to the caster. (And possible to someone else, if the caster directs the spell towards them?)  
Sicken – this spell affect's the target's life energy, slowly corrupting it and causing them pain. It can weaken them, too.  
Slow – this doesn't just affect the target's perception of time, it actually weakens their body and makes them sluggish. The spell is named more for the effects that this has on them afterwards.  
And that's it. That's all I've got.

-Illia


	60. Bingo

**January 8th**  
Donald came by to ask about bingo. I thought about going, but I've really been wanting to save up. I went along anyway, and just watched. What else was I going to do?  
I'm pretty darn sure I would have lost. Given how many people there were, it was statistically improbable.  
Plus, I simply don't have much luck with these things.  
It was fun anyway, and it was nice to talk to Donald.

-Illia


	61. Notes: Black Magic

**Notes: Black Magic**  
Black magic involves the physical – weight, solidity, and permanence. Enchantments in physical form. It also covers curses, which Professor Potsdam says is where it's bad reputation comes from. Wands are created with Black magic.

Inspection – the Sherlock Holmes of spells. ...which is to say, it allows the caster to see weak points or hidden details within an object, if any exist.  
Inscription – used to write or remove words onto or off of an object.  
Detect Charm – the caster is alerted to enchantments within a small radius.  
Trigger – sets off traps or certain enchantments. In most situations, this seems like a bad idea. And besides, it lacks finesse.  
Enchant Objects – can be used to place basic enchantments on objects.  
Seal – fuses objects shut, or, alternatively, fuses them to the ground.  
Open –unlocks (or simply opens) objects such as doors that were meant to be opened and closed. Doesn't work against objects that are magically sealed or enchanted – the mechanisms aren't the same.

And... I think that's it. Black magic isn't really hard to comprehend.

-Illia


	62. First exam of the year

**January 10th**  
Another exam. Passed this one, too. (Of course. (Wait, is that pretentious?))  
I started out in the (as per normal) dank, damp, _dark_ dungeons.  
Explored, also as usual.  
Ahead, one path running north, another running east, and the last running west.  
Walked east and west first, since the way ahead is always, always the right way. Both led to dead ends. Walking north worked only for until I ran into the hodag.  
The hodag, diary, is a nasty creature. It's bipedal, blue-fuller, and absolutely riddled with points. Spikes, claws, fangs… the hodag's got it all.  
I'm not sure where exactly it falls on the scale of intelligence, but at the moment, I'd compare it to a bear. A very large, very angry, very capable blue bear.  
I _almost_ panicked – until I remembered that they want to test how we react in certain situations, see if we're ready to make it in the magical world. Dangerous it may be, I wasn't going to die. No, they'd pull me out before then. So why not think rationally, enough to actually use what I had learned?  
I wondered if it might be an illusion until it raised a paw – claw? – and then I just teleported it away. It's _breath_ was certainly no illusion.  
I sent it to one of the dead ends – the west one, I believe – and since that wasn't quite far enough for my tastes, I hurried on.  
The exit was nearby: one turn west, and the first passageway on the left.  
5 merits for getting through, 5 merits for doing it peacefully.  
If you're keeping track, diary, that makes 40 merits. 40.  
I'm so proud of me.

-Illia


	63. Sports Club

**January 12th**  
Sports club today.  
We took Jacob's suggestion, and tried out using spells. Only simple ones were allowed today – Push, and variations on it – but they were allowed. For this reason, we had more of a turn-out for today's meeting.

Pardon my language, but -  
I sucked.  
Hard.  
But I spent so much time tripping over my robes, nearly falling on my face, laughing until my face went red and being pulled up by someone grinning just as much as I was, that it didn't matter.  
Kyo seemed to be the only one not having fun. He's been acting like that more and more lately. I hope nothing big is troubling him.

Oh, and!  
Yesterday, I was _finally_ able to buy that star wand from the magic shop. I'm a little clunky with it right now, but it enhances my spells (or is supposed to) and can make them more concentrated.  
(Don't judge me, diary, it's adorable. I'm like a fairy godmother. ...and I can focus magic to run the length of the star to fracture a spell into five pieces, don't tell me that wouldn't be useful in combat.)  
There are actually a lot of things in there I'd like to buy, but I just don't have the money for them. Oh well. Maybe next year?

-Illia


	64. Notes: White Magic

**Notes: White Magic**

The last of the pentrachromatic scale, White magic involves the spiritual and mental. Hidden things – but not quite those dealing with illusions – as well as finding those hidden things, are covered under White magic.

Spirit Sight – one of the first White magic spells they teach the freshmen here. Spirit Sight allows the caster to see living creatures in the area, as well as creatures from the Otherworld, such as (as well as? Not entirely sure) ghosts.  
Empathy – allows you to experience, or know, the target's emotions. Limited.  
Communication – this one is interesting. It lets the caster communicate with a willing target from a fair distance away, but the target does have to be willing. So like telepathy, in a way. Two-sided telepathy.  
Awareness – heightens the caster's mental abilities in order to reveal (make the caster aware of ) nearby locations.  
Spirit Echoes – reveals impressions left on the target from strong emotions in the past.  
Tap the Flow – draws energy from the Otherworld to convert into a small amount of magical power. Do _not_ use Tap the Flow more than once in an area. Don't. Tear. The veil.

We don't talk much about the Otherworld, which is a shame, because I think it would really help us – me – to understand these concepts better. As it is, I think I've got a bit of a learning cap.

-Illia


	65. Overheard Conversations

**January 14th**  
I saw, today, something I was not meant to see.  
Damien and Pastel were talking in the halls today. Not exactly a quiet conversation, but still one that was obviously meant to be private.  
Pastel was... uh...  
Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat or dance around it, I know I'm right to some extent, even if it's a small one.  
Pastel seemed to be trying to seduce Damien. "Nobody will know" and all that. Clichéd lines, you know the drill.  
He said no, basically. Um. Said that if she had asked him last year, he would have accepted, but now… now he's focusing on someone.  
...was he talking about me? Because he said it's hard for him to get close to people, but that he wants to get close to me, and I don't know who else he might have meant.  
I just... hope not. He's a good friend, but I'm not really interested in him like that...

-Illia


	66. Notes: Combinations

**Notes: Combinations of Spells**  
(January 17th)  
In lieu of an actual entry (things have been quiet recently), have some notes.  
Some spells cannot be learned without knowledge of another class.

Sacrifice – a combination of Green and White magic. The caster "expends life energy" – health and strength – in order to "gain magical energy". It Sacrifices that which makes up their life-blood in order to protect it. Used in desperate situations, or by the foolhardy.  
Farspeak – a combination of Blue and White Magic. Similar to Farsight, however, instead of seeing a known location, Farspeak allows the caster to communicate with someone within that location.  
Poison – a combination of Green and Black magic. "Alters substances within a living body, causing ongoing damage and pain." This is a spell designed to make the recipient of the spell very aware of the damage they are taking.  
Transfer Charm – a combination of Blue and Black magic. Transfer Charm works to shift an enchantment from one object to another.

There are many more that I don't know, and a lot that are assigned to one color – that are classified as merely Red or Blue or Black – draw on one of the other colors in small ways. It's really very interesting, overall.

-Illia


	67. King Day

**January 20th**  
Martin Luther King Jr. day. No classes because of that.  
Virginia says that _he_ wasn't a wizard, but. Well, it seems as though I'm going to have to reevaluate what I thought I knew about history.  
Anyway, since we have no classes, I'm going to stay inside and be lazy.

-Illia


	68. A date?

**January 24th**  
Well, this is a fine mess I've gotten myself into.  
Damien asked me out, and I... agreed. Actually, I'm going to give this some context.  
I ran into him in the hallways. Or actually – I was walking through the hallways after class, taking the longer way because it was a quieter route. He grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, telling me he needed to talk to me. Had something important to say. He didn't want to say it right there, though, just in case someone passed by and heard.  
He had a point. I _did_ hear him talking to Pastel like that. And now I know he _was_ talking about me.  
We went into an empty classroom, to talk.  
He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me, that even though he knew it was 'wrong' he wanted to, uh. He wanted to be with me romantically. "To hold your hand, to touch your lips..."  
He says he wants to try. So he asked me on a date, tomorrow, at the Glen. How could I say no? If there's no chemistry – which there isn't, not now – he should see that, right? And... and if there is, if I feel like it could work, then that's good?  
I'll be finding out tomorrow.  
Argh, what have I done?

-Illia


	69. Married!

**January 25th**  
So today something happened and I'm not supposed to talk about it.  
It was  
big.  
I had just meant to deliver the mail, but I got roped into something instead.  
Really really not supposed to talk about it though. I'm  
distressed.  
As an understatement.  
I'm exhausted because of it. Been out all day.  
But I can't talk about it. I really can't.

-I

**ADDENDUM**

No, you know what? Screw it.  
Screw. It.  
I'll write whatever I want in here and there is nothing on this world or any other that is going to stop me.  
It's early morning, not even dawn. I am exhausted. This will not stop me. No, instead it drives me, and I cannot, I _will_ not sleep until I have gotten this sorted out for myself. You ready, diary? Here goes:

Today I got married.  
Surprised? So was I.

It wasn't anything planned, and it was _very_ rushed. I may be one of the few brides in history to get her husband to hate her _during_ the ceremony.

Let's start from the beginning.  
It seemed like a normal day at first. Got dressed quickly, dove back into the covers for another minute to regain a bit of lost warmth, finally dragged myself out and headed for the mail room… and that's where things got screwy.  
Inside, this morning, was Professor Grabiner.  
But not looking dour and grim, today, oh no. This morning, he was laying unconscious on the floor, surrounded my runes and symbols, with a demon looming above him. I should have known then. I didn't.  
And I – I panicked.  
You remember that school-girl crush, diary? May as well go ahead and call it like it is after today, diary; no chance of even friendship now. So, on to describing my mistakes.

I stepped across the runes. Are you wincing, diary? I am. I should have known. I really should have.  
I tried to wake him. Shook his shoulders and started to drag him out.  
Was concerned for his well-being. Should have looked out for mine.  
As soon as I'd tried to move, as soon as I'd touched him and tried to help – I was frozen. Paralyzed. Not with fear, no, though I was scared, scared out of my wits.  
Paralyzed by the demon. Without moving an inch, hovering there with that stupid, smug grin on it's stupid blue face, it just laughed at me. Chucked darkly. Came closer and said I was foolish, foolish.  
Started his villain's exposition then, too. He said that Professor Grabiner, unconscious and vulnerable as he seemed, was protected within his lines. Me? I was dead the moment I stepped across them.  
Or so it said.  
I'm not, obviously. Not skilled enough to be a ghost writer. Heh.  
Potsdam showed up then. How she knew, I can't be sure. (The school has ways of telling?)  
She commanded the demon – the manus, I'd learn later – to let me go. It only laughed, of course. Professor Grabiner stirred, waking then, it seemed, too late. The manus yielded not. 'This is mine,' it said. 'Rightfully mine.' I had crossed the containment lines and my fate was sealed.  
A fate, it turned out. Not to be eaten, no, but something else. Professor Potsdam hesitated only a moment, her face growing sorrowful, and in that moment I thought I would die. But she clutched at her pendant and drew herself up. "She is of the house of Grabiner," she said.  
'Of the house of Grabiner?' I had thought. I was not blood, how could I be what she said? I admit that I was not thinking quite clearly - mortal terror will do that to a girl – and so it wasn't until Professor Grabiner began to stand and she clarified that I understood.  
"She is his affianced bride, whom he has pledged to marry this very day!" Potsdam declared. And Professor Grabiner, only recently awakened and still appearing to retain a touch of his previous, disoriented, state, agreed. 'It is so sworn.'  
And then, oh, how the manus scowled! It made its displeasure quite clear, hissing and grumbling all to the Otherworld.  
With its departure, a sort of weight seemed to be lifted from the room – and then a new one descended as Professor Grabiner whirled on me.  
I was an idiot, he told me. Stupid and foolish. Professor Potsdam, dear Professor Potsdam, attempted to intercede on my behalf, reminding him gently that I was trying to save him and wouldn't it be awful if I lost my magic over this? The solution wasn't much better, he muttered, and of course, I could not keep my stupid mouth shut any longer.  
From my mouth tumbled words, half-formed questions all centering on the one theme of: what exactly is going on?  
He gave no explanation, only shouted that I should not meddle with things I don't understand.  
Professor Potsdam calmed him, and promised to meet again at noon. I was confused, I was tired, I was weak, I was hungry, and I did not understand. I let myself be led away. She nudged me into an empty classroom, away from prying eyes. This scene was getting familiar.  
She explained that Professor Grabiner recently 'came into possession' of a manus demon, one that is bound to his family line – sworn into the service of his family – and had been experimenting with it.  
It was this experimenting that I had unwittingly walked in on this morning.  
The only way to save me, she had explained gently, was to get the demon to recognize me as a part of the family it serves. And a wizard's word is binding, I learned, and because a manus cannot be fooled by trickery – I was to be married. Today. Really and truly.  
My protests – and protest I did, desperately and frantically – fell on deaf ears. To break the promise would be to lose my magic, and to cost him his life. And besides – I had saved him, and now he was saving me. 'Wasn't it so romantic?' she asked. It wasn't, no, it couldn't be, but I wilted. I didn't know what I could do. A year and a day we would be joined. Whether this is the nature of traditional magical marriages or something else, I don't know.  
But he would hate me, I was sure of that. I had screwed up, and I had screwed up _bad._  
I guess I was confused enough, or tired enough, or both to have actually vocalized this, because she gave me a sympathetic look and patted my shoulder.  
No, he wouldn't hate me. His bark is worse than his bits, hadn't I noticed that?  
I had noticed that, but I had also never seen him so angry as he was – certainly hadn't messed up enough see that kind of displeasure.

She left me alone with my thoughts for a moment, then came bustling back in with her arms full of peculiar objects – and a dress.  
I stripped down out of my robes – a little too numb to suffer through the usual embarrassments, though the fact that it was in front of Potsdam helped – and into the dress.  
And honestly? If I was able to separate this fact from the rest of this mangled day?  
It was lovely.  
I can't claim to know what wedding dresses are made of, but this was soft, smooth and creamy, and bordered with bright, shining green – which matched my eyes, Potsdam proclaimed cheerfully.

At first it sagged terribly – not fit for someone of my frame, though bone-skinny as I am, nothing is.  
I must have looked like I was drowning in it, and as she was looking me over, seeing how it fit before she changed anything, it kept slipping down.  
I was feeling vulnerable enough that even having my shoulders left bare seemed somehow dangerous.

She spun me this way and that, taking measurements and mumbling under her breath. As nervous as I was, I still wanted to know what to do, so I asked her question after question. Apparently, I was talking too much for her tastes, or the answers were making me fidgety, so she pulled an apple out from somewhere – she's not the Green magic teacher for nothing, I suppose – and stuffed it in my mouth.  
This dulled the edge of hunger that had been creeping in, and as long as I ate slowly, I could focus on the sweetness of the fruit, rather than letting butterflies swarm in my stomach when I thought about what was going to happen.  
All good things must come to an end, and she soon pronounced it done. Black magic moves the process along quite a bit.  
She let me peer into a mirror afterwards, and I looked… nice.  
She had brushed my hair until it shined, and though I insisted on pulling it back into its usual, functional ponytail, it looked like gold. Fear of rumpling the dress, and her hard work, straigntened my back into something resembling elegance, and the green really did bring out the color of my eyes, which looked otherwise scared behind the frames of my glasses.  
(That felt wrong, somehow. Like I wasn't allowed to be anything close to pretty, not when I had been the cause of the whole mess.)  
Before we left, and despite the situation, she expressed the desire that we would come to like each other. Seems impossible now.

The wedding was in the dungeons.  
None that I've ever tested in, as far as I could tell, and clean enough for the task, but... well. Not what I would have dreamed of. Dark – lit only by scattered candles – and cold, too.  
Minnie was there, to witness. She held my hand before it, whispered soft reassurances, offered sad smiles.  
And then she stepped back, and he came into view.  
Dress robes, I think they were. Red and orange and green. Looking back on it now, I can only draw a faint trace of humor from it.  
He looked more open without his hat and ever-present book. Angry, tired.  
And… vulnerable, like every time he shifted he was drawing into himself.  
I guess I must have been staring, as if I wasn't enough of an embarrassment.  
And then it was time. We walked, step by step, to face each other.  
She had murmured instructions to me as she made alterations, and as I stood there, I hoped against hope that I would not stumble.

Lifting up my basket – blue and orange ribbons twining around the handle, and within, an ear of corn – I drew in a breath – one of my last as an unmarried woman – and recited my part.  
"I give to you my kindness and my courage." A pity that I could not always speak as strongly that I did then. Even scared as I was, my voice did not warble, did not falter. A thousand people could hear my mistakes, and a handful of them hear me when I am clear and loud.  
What happened next is a blur, her words lost in waves of trembling nerves as I struggled to recognize my parts.  
"I give to you my wisdom and protection," he murmured, and I took hold of his basket – his own ribbons black and gold, and carrying a branch instead of corn – and with our hands crossed and our promises made, Minnie and Professor Potsdam draped the ribbons over our hands.  
I'm sure I'll get he words wrong, but let me try to remember – "as two streams join to form a river, your two lives join to create something greater than they were before. One family and one future, for one year and one day are you bound." More reverent and less jubilant than I've come to expect from movies, or from play-acting, but I suppose that fits, doesn't it?  
It finished off with the near-traditional "you may kiss the bride," but, as this was not 'strictly necessary', he declined, as he did had no intention of demeaning himself further.  
It would have been terrible if he had been made to kiss me because of that, but -  
Demeaning. Demeaning...  
I think he really might hate me now, even with what Minnie said about - no, no, no, let's go in chronological order to make sense of just how badly I screwed up.  
He loosened his grip and stepped away, leaving me to stand there, unsure, holding both.  
And then he smiled, and I don't think I'd be wrong in calling it a nasty smile, with how much his voice sharpened. He'd see me in a year for severance, then.  
Potsdam's attempts to placate him met with the response that I was his wife in name only, and he was under no obligation to be kind, and that I –  
I am to stay out of his way. I will receive no privileges, no special treatment. I cannot use his name, I may not enter his room, and I cannot tell a soul.  
(And he hoped this would be lesson enough to teach me the cost of foolishness. Oh, it is enough.)  
Professor Potsdam took Minnie and I to the Glen. Minnie handed me an envelope with my name written on it in beautiful, flowing letters. Inside, $25 – a wedding present, she muttered, flushed as if she made some misstep, but in that moment I wanted to wrap my arms around he and thank her until my voice went hoarse. I can't – won't – imagine what anyone else would have done in her place.  
Potsdam went off to powder her nose – the first time I've ever seen someone mean that literally – and when Minnie asked how I was doing, I sort of... burst, under her encouragement. Told her that I wanted him to respect me, to not see me as some silly child, that I had ruined this in one move, that he hated me now, wanted nothing to do with me.  
Minnie stopped me there, and said – she said that he didn't hate me, just the situation. That I tried to do the right thing, and shouldn't regret that – and said the situation was sort of his fault but I shouldn't remind him of this. He's proud, and he might really hate me then.  
And she gave me advice. Told me not to let him frighten me off (though really, I'm not so much frightened as ashamed, abashed), that as long as I treat him with respect and patience, he'll calm down.  
Then Professor Potsdam came back and I could think of it no longer.  
She did pretty well with distracting me, conjuring dancing toys and strange bits of knowledge, but not well enough to keep my mind completely off the subject. Every time she bounced around, every time she grabbed onto something new to bring up, there was something hovering in the back of my mind, dark and ugly and looming.  
It doesn't matter how hard I try, how much I ache for acceptance in this new world. I'm stupid and dense and unobservant, slow and utterly ignorant.

'Miss' Rashemi, he said as he left, the emphasis clear.  
Mrs. Grabiner. Or Ms. Rashemi-Grabiner, if I took Potsdam's suggestion.  
Either way you spin it, it's another reminder.  
And it's all because I couldn't leave well enough alone.  
Poor little Illia, always trying so hard to be a hero and save everyone, and just failing each and every time.  
I'm pathetic.

-Ill.

**A.** I'll enchant the pages later. Can't have anyone finding out, can I?  
Now I have said all that I could, and maybe I will find it within my power to sleep.


	70. More frustration

**January 26th**  
I suppose I can be grateful my wedding was on a Saturday. I don't know what I'd do if I had to go straight to class after that.  
I'll be able to take today as a chance to sleep it off and vent all of the excess panic.  
Thank heaven for small mercies.

-Illia

**Addendum**  
The world has gone wrong.  
Just when I thought I was okay, that I was ready to face the world and all those in it, something new is thrown into the mix – Damien.  
In all the panic, I admit that I forgot all about the date we'd scheduled for Saturday - up until a pair of hands clamped down on my shoulders and spun me around to face him.  
He was _mad_.  
He started demanding to know why I stood him up, where I'd been, said he looked all over the school for me - and then he cut himself off suddenly, eyed widening. His entire demeanor changed. He scowled, muttered that someone had already claimed the prize, and then waved a hand and walked away.  
What was that all about?

-Illia


	71. Class Failed

**January 27th**  
I've picked out my schedule for the week.  
Blue magic, Red magic, White, Black, Green… there's little point in avoiding him, though I wish I could. I'm not going to stop going to class just to avoid an embarrassing situation. I came here to learn magic, and that's what I'm going to do.  
Won't sign my name yet. If all goes well, as I hope it does, that'll be the entry for the day, but if it doesn't... well. I won't rule that out yet.

No. No it didn't go well.  
As soon as class began, Professor Grabiner started making all these snide remarks, little jabs and veiled insults all with this smirk. And he kept calling on me, every time he asked a question, even if someone else knew the answer.  
I completely failed to learn anything from the class.

And... and they _know_. They know something's up. Or Virginia does at least. She said someone saw Potsdam with the dress and the baskets and apparently that's more common here that I would have thought and oh my gosh what if they figure it out?  
I think my acting okay. I even asked about the baskets, something I would have been curious about if I didn't already know.  
I can do this.  
I _can_.

-Illia


	72. Used to it

**January 28th**  
The comments were less harsh today, and I really, really concentrated so I think I learned _something_, but – oh, if I was going to get married to someone to save our lives, couldn't it be to someone who actually liked me, even a little?  
I thought he might like me, before, enough to tolerate me, but with the way he's acting now… augh.

By the way, that tingle you felt down your spine? I finally did learn how to enchant you. If anyone opens you up, they'll see only blank pages - or if it's their second offense, they'll just see a doodle of a face sticking it's tongue out at them. Maybe. I don't know if I did that part right. Ellen helped me test out the first, though, so we should be good, and if anyone _does_ break through the spell, they'll have more to worry about than whatever gossip they hoped to glean from your pages.  
I'm pretty sure tampering with another student's personal belongings is against school rules, especially since they'd almost certainly have to come in unannounced and uninvited to get to it.  
So. We're good here.

-Illia


	73. Raven

**January 31st**  
Saw Raven talking to herself in the halls today – reciting Shakespeare. I'll admit, I wasn't at the top of my game, and I couldn't quite place where I'd heard it before.  
When I asked what she was doing, if she was alright, she explained that she was practicing for the play, like she had said this so many times it wasn't even a surprise to have to do it again - but she was smiling as she did, so I don't think she was really annoyed.  
"The Small Place of Purchase of Frightening Things". Quite a mouthful, but one of my favorites. I'll have to remember to go and see it. I hope she gets the part! (Oh, I didn't ask her which part it was... guess I'll find out.)

-Illia


	74. Responsibilities of a Witch-Wife

**February 1st**  
Ran into Professor Grabiner today as I went to full my treasurer duties – the usual ones, I mean, not the 'accidentally getting married to your professor because you don't pay attention' ones. So yeah, he was there, but  
normally.  
He came by to talk about valentines. Uh, because apparently we sell valentines to make up funding, and he informed me of this and had me pick a price ($5 each sounded reasonable). He was going to just leave then, but I just had so many questions left to ask, and with him acting more subdued, it seemed like as good a time as any. And what if I was supposed to do something special for Valentine's Day?

I asked him if I had any expectations now that I'm his wife (writing this is _very very strange_), and he said that a witch-wife – wait, okay, side note: that's… kind of a cute title, I'll admit. 'Witch-wife.' I am a witch-wife now. Gosh, that's adorable. Heh.  
Moving on.  
He said that a witch-wife is not expected to be subservient, that they are, in fact, expected to be independent. I _am_ to treat him with respect, but as a student here at the Academy, I should have been doing this already.  
Many magical couples keep separate living quarters, as we will, and I am _not_ to enter his room.  
In addition, my family is _not_ to know, and though keeping another secret from them hurts, it's really for the best. How would I explain it?  
Their letters have been less frequent anyway, so...  
Well. In any case, if I did tell them, he said that they might try to take me away, which would be – disastrous. For more reasons than one. Let's not go down that road.  
Ellen and Victoria need to be kept in the dark, too. I mentioned that they may have suspicions – told him about how Virginia made a big deal about the dress and the baskets – and he said that, as there is nothing between us but teacher-student relations, they will have no further cause for suspicion. And, should people find out – should our marriage be made known – he'll be holding the discovery against me personally. Yikes.  
And his responsibilities (yes, I did work up the courage to ask him) are to protect and care for me as best he can he doubts I'll even notice a difference.  
I didn't even bother asking him about dating, and whether I could continue to do so because  
Well, because who cares?  
So, basically… nothing's changed. Nothing outwardly, certainly.  
That's good.  
That's very good.  
So long as it's true.

-Illia


	75. Minnie's Troubles

**February 2nd**  
Minnie came to talk to me today.  
She started out by asking how things are going with Professor Grabiner – they aren't, and I told her so – and she nodded and looked serious, then quietly asked if he expected me to obey him then.  
Remember what I said about how witch-wives are not expected to be subservient? Apparently, some in the magical world may have other ideas. That's not exactly encouraging - not because of him, I know that he isn't one of those people – but because Minnie seemed to be acting strange about it, and I soon found out why.  
Apparently, she's been having some troubles with her boyfriend. He demanded too much of her time, of her attention, and between school and student council and him, she was overwhelmed. When it got to the point that she felt she hadn't talked to anyone else in months. She broke it off.  
And then. _Then_.  
Then he made this big fuss over it, and made a public declaration of his affection for her, and because there were so many people around that thought it was just so romantic – how could she say no?  
She couldn't.  
She didn't.  
And not he's back to expecting her to be the perfect girlfriend, to dote on him and be with him always and do whatever he wants to do.  
Poor Minnie!  
I suggested that she get backup – I know as well as anyone what the pressure of crowds can do, and having someone on your side for that can work wonders.  
She's such a sweet girl, I hope things turn out all right for her.  
As for her boyfriend – if he keeps this up, there's a few things I'd like to introduce him to.  
Namely my fist.  
...holding my wand, maybe. Ohhh yes, there are so many spells I could test on him. A creative application of Inscription may be humiliating enough to make him back off.  
I might be misplacing my frustrations onto him. Let's just hope she's able to reason with him.

-Illia


	76. Notes: Magic

**Notes: Magic**  
(February 4th)  
Right, so this is going to be filled with scattered thoughts and half-guesses, but I needed to do this.  
So.  
The nature of magic. How to explain? It's something you're born with, firstly. Magical ability makes itself known when the witch or wizard in question is around thirteen, or so it seems from the few I've asked.  
But how to tell? How to know that what you do is really magic? What feels different about it?  
This is what has been hardest to put into words.  
It feels like something new, but something familiar. Something wild, but something tame.  
I can't say I never did have it, before, but neither can I say that I have always had it. It's just been... there. Latent, undisturbed, waiting for me to realize and t orecognize it, to let it blossom.  
And then to use it, it's like... like... like the air around you is full of threads. Concentrate, and you can pull on one or two of them, use them as you wish and as you get older, as you refine your talents, you can draw on more and more of it until you just _know_ what to do, how to catch them without any floating away, and -  
It's not a perfect metaphor, at all.  
It's a start.

-Illia


	77. Virginia's Illness

**February 6th**  
Virginia's not feeling well today. ...that feels like an understatement. She seemed _extremely_ feverish, and wouldn't respond to us. Her face was flushed, her eyes were glassy... at Ellen's instructions, I ran to find Professor Potsdam, who took Virginia away. I hope she'll be all right!

-Illia


	78. February's Exam

**February 7th**  
An exam today!  
This was actually very easy. No monster this time – though there was a magus demon.  
I, uh. Well.  
I refrained from making any super embarrassing comments in front of the manus, which turned out to be an illusion. Truesight confirmed that.  
...geez, that would have been humiliating. 'I am Illia, of the house of Grabiner, you cannot harm me.' Wow, yeah, so glad I didn't do that.  
Anyway, the whole thing was shaped like a cross. One way, a chest; one way, a stone sphere; another, the doors out; the last, the manus. Once I went there – and backed out quickly – it followed along behind me like a puppy. Like a giant, blue, terrifying, lost puppy.  
The doors would not open with – er, with Open. The chest was enchanted, somehow, and the type of enchantment left in my mind the impression of heat: searing, prickly, sharp-edged and blinding heat. Something dangerous.  
I figured crushing it – triggering the spell early – would not be a bad idea, and if it was, they'd teleport me out and give me around ten demerits. So I Pushed the sphere.  
A moment longer, after the grinding of the sphere against stone cleared away, I heard a dull explosion. All that was left there was rubble. In the chest – the lid of which I lifted gingerly, cautiously - was the key.  
All that was left then was to grab it, unlock the doors, and leave, all of which I did.  
For passing the exam, I was given the standard 5 merits, but for doing it all peacefully – figuring out the manus demon wasn't real, Professor Potsdam gave me five extra merits.  
50. Merits.  
I don't think you can even go higher than that.  
I am the _best_.

William came by later to reassure us that Virginias would be feeling fine soon. He also shared some background about her. Virginia was born pre-mature, and she used to get very sick. Wearing herself out now is always a possibility.  
He added that she should still be fine – Virginia is by no means weak.  
She certainly doesn't seem it.

-Illia


	79. Birthday

**February 10th**  
Happy birthday, dear Illi, happy birthday to me.  
I'm 17 now.  
Another year older, another year way, way not wiser.

It's cold here, now. Colder than it would be at home. It makes me think of birthdays when I was younger.

I should send Yulia a letter. I guess that would make her 14 now.  
My Russian is a little rusty (read: entirely rusty), though, so I'd have to write a simple one. Something short.  
...probably with an addition in English apologizing for any mistakes and clarifying  
She'd be able to understand the basic point of it, I think.

Anyway. Today in class, Professor Potsdam talked about, uh. _...consent._  
She is a preacher of free love, apparently.  
According to her, anything goes to long as both (or more) parties are consenting, and so long as nobody gets pregnant. While I think this second part is generally sensible, I do have to wonder why she made a point of forbidding it. Ah, well.  
It reminded me that I will _not_ be having to worry about anything like that. What a birthday present, huh?  
(Really, though, her speech was surprising, a little embarrassing, and a lot relieving, for the thoughts I then drew from it.)  
Still, I, uh.  
Sent Professor Grabiner a valentine.  
Nothing romantic, no sir! Kind of a cute, goof little one. I don't know, I – was struck with the urge, and went ahead and did it.  
I'm - I'm contributing to class funding! That's all.  
Actually, let's just chalk this up to my stupidity. I think that can be an explanation for anything I do.

Side-note: as Minnie and I were selling valentines, Kyo came up to my booth and ordered 20 valentines for Minnie. Slapped two fifty-dollar bills down.  
I guess I know for sure now who's been giving her the trouble.

-Illia


	80. Valentines

**February 14th**  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
No valentines for me, blah. As per normal, really. I may be getting to be _more_ social, but still not social enough to be really noticed.  
(And I'm still a dork. Of course.)  
And. Well.  
...Professor Grabiner didn't exactly appreciate my valentine. Not that I really thought he would. He didn't seem too angry, though, so. Yeah.

-Illia


	81. Minnie?

**February 15th**  
I thought I'd study with Minnie, but she wasn't there today. I missed the busses to the mall, and since I've always gotten on the first ones out and didn't know if they even sent others, I just stayed in the library and studied by myself.  
And... there's going to be a bonfire. Tomorrow. A New Year's one.  
Why it's so late (late, considering) in the year, I don't know. Still, might be fun.

-Illia


	82. New Year's Bonfire

**February 17th**  
The New Year's ceremony was last night.  
We all sat with our Halls and listened as Professor Potsdam talked about the dawning of the new year, and the changes it would bring. There was a lot of symbolism involving the ashes of the old year - from the fire that had been burning since Saturday – and how they served to fuel the fire of the new year. The class presidents, including Minnie, all stood up and placed logs on the ashes at that point, and the wood slowly caught on fire.  
Professor Potsdam then asked if anyone had been having any recurring dreams.  
All I learned from that is I shouldn't eat cake with Angela, should she ever hit her hard enough that she invites me.  
Suki's might have been more interesting, but a few of the girls from Snake Hall restrained her and wouldn't let her speak.

-Illia


	83. A Day Off

**February 21st**  
Took today off, and slept.  
What? I've earned it!  
I learned a lot this week, as in actual spells. I was exhausted. I've slept as much as I could, though, so I may as well list them. Maybe then you'll be convinced that I completely and totally deserved a day to myself.  
Ground Spell – a combination of blue and white magic. Ground Spell interrupts the target's spell as they are casting it, and directs it to the ground.  
Fracture – a Black magic spell. Fracture damages the integrity of an object, and has the potential to shatter – or, to fracture – it.  
Flames – a Red magic spell. The caster summons a burst of flames to damage everything in an area. Can be difficult to control, and so is dangerous.  
Sleep – a combination of Green and White magic. This one's pretty obvious. By casting Sleep, the target – which must be a living creature – is forced to fall asleep.  
...hush now, that might not seem like much, but we don't' exactly get to learn a new spell every day. We're learning the mechanics behind it and how to use the sleep safely beforehand, which is a method that I really do respect.

-Illia


	84. No-longer-missing-Minnie

**February 22****nd**  
Minnie was back in the library today. Maybe she was sick last week?  
I really should have asked, but I didn't. Maybe next time.

-Illia


	85. Honors Society

**February 24th**  
The Honors Society ceremony was today. Angela was there – was called 'esteemed' and Ellen did not look pleased about that, at _all._  
_I_ wonder why?  
...well, alright, Angela isn't exactly a model student... or person... heck, she isn't even marginally nice. Still, Ellen seemed to take it as something personal. I should try to remember to ask her about it.

-Illia


	86. Sick

**February 25th**  
'FREE PERIOD'  
That's what's written on the board today in Professor Grabiner's Red magic class. Won't be learning anything new today, then.  
Good enough time as any to reflect on what I've learned.  
Let's see… first, there's Burn Magic. Burn Magic is a combination of Red and Blue magic. Basically, it transforms the target's magical energy into actual energy, burning it up, and damaging them in the process.  
And... there's Drain Magic, a combination of Blue and White magic. The caster uses this to steal a small amount of magical energy from the target.  
I'll spend the rest of the time studying, so I manage to be productive today despite not learning what I anticipated, but I wonder what's going on?

-Illia

**Addendum**  
Mark it on your calendars, diary: today was the day I went into Professor Grabiner's room.  
There was a good reason for it! And I was asked! Granted, not by him, but still by Professor Potsdam.  
She caught me as I was leaving, and told me that Professor Grabiner was feeling "a bit under the weather". Then she smiled, conspiratorially, and told me I must be able to imagine what a terrible patient he makes. …I don't know if this was a subtle reminder that she knows we're married, or if she's this casual with all her students.  
She asked if I wouldn't mind carrying up some soup from the kitchen to his room – if it wasn't done by hand, it would certainly spill.  
How could I say no?  
...to being helpful, I mean. Um – yeah.  
She then rattled off a rapid-fire list of instructions – about how to get to the kitchens (which I hadn't known before, and hadn't even thought about wondering), which kind of soup he prefers, which china he prefers, how to arrange the china and silverware on the tray, and... then told me how to get to Professor Grabiner's personal rooms.  
It was around this point in time that I began to feel a little hesitant about agreeing so readily.  
He was... not thrilled to see me.  
I'm sure he would have shouted, if it were possible – and then I would have started, and spilled the soup everywhere, and apologized profusely, tried to make up for it somehow, and… it would have been bad.  
As it was, he couldn't. His voice was too hoarse.  
I explained that Professor Potsdam sent me, and he seemed to accept this.  
When I set the tray down – on a desk covered with papers, as per instructed, which seems like a disaster waiting to happen – he near-collapsed into the chair. There, I could see how clammy and how flushed his skin was.  
Then he. He said that he appreciated what I did, though he would have preferred that it had not been necessary. He's not used to having students in his room (I should think not), and he reminded me that he likes his privacy.  
And with that, he sent me off.  
I do hope he feels better soon.

-Illia


	87. Maple Sap Ceremony

**March 1st**  
Well, since Tuesday, nothing particularly interesting has happened, hence the lack of an entry.  
This is noteworthy enough to merit one.  
Skipped studying today, and went to the mall. Bought some protective gear. Protective Gear? Not sure if that should be capitalized or not. If it was just composed of the usual padding, I wouldn't even wonder, but this… well, it's enchanted, basically. Still pretty funny looking, so I won't be wearing it all the time, but it seems useful. It's supposed to make me stronger – and ever since the manus demon, I've been feeling a little drained, so that should be a big help – potentially by… providing a boost of adrenaline? Actually, it likely draws on some principal or spell I haven't yet learned.  
It also claims to give a significant boost to my Red magic. By increasing my understanding of it, perhaps, and also by giving me better means of practicing it – putting it into practice, I mean.  
I should hope it helps. It was expensive. Spent 50 bucks on these things, and if I don't get some sort of benefit out of them, I will not be happy.

Anyway, no, that's not the most interesting thing. Geez, diary, you thought I'd be hyped up about shopping? For shame.  
No, I was on my way to meet Minnie to have a student council discussion – not a meeting, because we really don't have any meetings. We seem to pass along information by chance remembrances.  
I heard – and no, not eavesdropping, not quite – a conversation between Minnie and Jacob. From what little I heard, their subject of choice seemed to be Minnie's recent rash of boy troubles.  
When I actually did catch sight of them, Jacob bowed and gestured to me. I had absolutely no idea how to respond to this.  
Fortunately, Minnie spoke up, and explained that she needed to talk to me about the maple ceremony, and that he should go.  
He agreed graciously (and winked at me, so I don't know what's about) and left. My first impression of him was really made at Sports Club, but since then, he's turned out to be much more good-natured than I expected.  
(When I asked, Minnie said that everything was fine, too, so… any troubles she's having are not ones she currently wishes to confide in me.)

Next week, she told me, is the maple sap ceremony. (Lot of ceremonies around here.)  
We'll be having a pancake supper with lots of syrup.  
Or.  
They will. I can't attend.  
The whole thing's symbolic. The boys serve the girls, and the girls serve the boys – the beginning of the traditional season of courting, she thinks. (Though that's obviously not how romance works in modern times, she was quick to add. Can you imagine if it was?)  
And since I'm married, I'm not allowed to sit with the girls. It's, um. "Ritually improper."  
Since I can't be truthful about why I won't be going, I have to come up with an excuse.  
She was hesitant and apologetic throughout the whole explanation, though of course it's not her fault.  
...I am a little disappointed that I won't be able to participate, but there's nothing to be done about it, and I can always have pancakes some other time. With no pressure, even!

-Illia


	88. Protective Gear pays off

**March 3rd**  
So, let's start off with all the spells I've learned since wearing the Protective Gear (yup, I'm capitalizing that).  
Freeze – a Red magic spell. Draws energy out from a target – energy in the form of heat – which directly damages them, but which also slows them down, and which has the potential to negate spells requiring finesse.  
Lightning – another Red magic spell. Not lightening in the literal sense, but as in a bolt of energy, which strikes the nearest (usually largest) target in the direction the caster chooses.  
Telepyre – a combination spell, composed of Red and Blue magic. You remember Farspeak and Farsight? Well, this is like that, except instead of seeing another, known location or speaking with someone there, Telepyre makes flames erupt in a known location.  
And this is all just from _one day_.

-Illia


	89. Books, not pancakes

**March 4th**  
Today was the Maple Ceremony. My excuse was... to pretend to be sick. Not much thought put into that.  
I waited for maybe half an hour after I heard the last of the busses leave before emerging from my room.  
The school was quiet. This was somewhat unsettling, so I made my way to the library – at least there, it's _supposed_ to be silent. And there, I... sat for a while. Flipped through some magazines.  
The Maple Ceremony didn't seem super excited or anything, and not my first choice of entertainment, and yet... not being allowed to go made me wish I could.  
To drive the point in, today is Mardi Gras. _Mardi Gras._ Not that I participate regularly in Mardi Gras, but the realization was somehow disheartening.

And. Well, I talked to Professor Grabiner, briefly.  
He came by to drop off a book he got on an interlibrary loan. I'm going to have to see if they let students do that.  
The name of the book was... "Arhitektura Slovenskega Kozolca", which is about some form of architecture.  
It _sounds_ Russian, and if it is, I feel doubly ashamed for being unable to translate even the title.  
Apparently, I let my frustration at always appearing so ignorant show, and he was... comforting? Maybe? Or mocking? It was hard to tell.  
But... if I'm honest, I think he was being comforting, which is – I'll admit – likely influenced by that fact that I would so much prefer it.  
He said that I am not, at my age, expected to know everything – neither is he, at his age.  
Hmm.

-Illia


	90. Better

**March 7th**  
Learned another spell today – Fear, a White magic spell, which overloads the target's mind with fear to the point where they become incapable (or, for more resistant targets, less capable) of rational thoughts.  
Things are looking up!  
...which seems kind of creepy, considering the spell I just learned, but I meant it more in a general sense.  
I'm learning spells at an increased pace, I don't think Professor Grabiner hates me anymore, Minnie seems to be doing better... all is well.

-Illia


	91. A letter?

**March 8th**  
So, something strange happened today.  
I was sorting the mail, as usual, when I came across a package.  
Now, that's unusual enough – with no special occasions, packages are few and far between.  
But it was the recipient of the package that really caught my eye – 'To Mrs. Grabiner'.  
Naturally, I had a moment of panic.  
I couldn't know if I was overreacting or under-reacting until I knew what was inside, so I opened it.  
"To the newest member of the Grabiner family," the letter began. To me, then.  
I wish I could have kept the letter, just so I wouldn't have to summarize, but – alas! – I gave it up.  
The letter seemed to be written by – by his _father,_ who appeared tp have some misconceptions about our union – namely, that it had been out of necessity, not out of love. ...though the bit about dragging him to the altar, that part was pretty much accurate, though not in the way he would have expected.  
And the letter mentioned – children. And honeymooning. And a cottage to stay in while honeymooning.  
There was a box included with the letter, too. A lovely little thing, all decorated with wood in different colors and sizes, fastened shut with a series of metal hooks. I chose not to pry. I'm not really Professor Grabiner's wife, not really – not by choice, not through affection. Pretending that I am would be... wrong. False.  
I folded up the letter and tucked both it, and the box, into the envelope.. Professor Grabiner came in only moments later, and I gave the envelope to him.  
Since he took interest in the open end, I tried to explain that, as it was addressed to me, I'd been curious, so I read the letter – but that I didn't open the box. He pulled out the letter and skimmed through it, then said nothing, so I was all geared up to go.  
He stopped me, though. Said it seemed like I had learned some sense, or some restraint at least.  
He gave me five merits. To keep me quiet was my initial thought, but it's not like I could have talked about the majority of the letter, anyway. More... an indication that he approves of my showing some discretion?

-Illia


	92. An attack?

**March 12th**  
Last night, Virginia heard some noises as she was out in the halls – like a domino chain of chairs falling. We thought little of it at the time, thinking it strange, but we couldn't really do anything about it. We were all exhausted, so we pretty much just went back to bed.  
But in the morning…  
In the morning, Isobel came to talk to us about the whole thing. According to her, someone tried to start a fire, or blow up the school. Until they could figure it out, classes were canceled.  
We had an assembly afterwards, where Professor Potsdam told us what really happened. In Falcon Hall, one of the dorm room doors was set aflame. It's an action that would be difficult to overlook as an unintended accident, and was likely intended to cause harm to the occupants within. As powerful as we're supposed to be, as much as we're learning, it's all for nothing in the face of something like this. What are we supposed to do against something that could kill us in our sleep? And who would try to force that on us?  
Virginia pulled us aside right after and told us that they suspect Donald – and after everything, after all the pranks, this could be enough to get him expelled for good, and his memory wiped. (A terrifying prospect, and one I might go over later, if the stress and paranoia get to be too much. Speculating is always relieving, in the face of the alternative.)  
He should be fine, right? Yeah, he wouldn't do that. You can't pin a crime on someone just because they're counted among the usual suspects. I don't know who _would_ do it, but certainly not him, and they'll figure it out.  
And apparently, we've got a test later this week, which everyone forgot to mention to me. Peachy.

-Illia


	93. Innocence proved

**Match 13th**  
Donald is innocent!  
Wait, that should probably not have been the way to start this. We knew he was innocent already, it was the staff that didn't.  
New approach: it is now widely known that Donald is innocent! Hmm. Doesn't have the same ring to it.  
Anyway, Donald delivered the news himself.  
So Barbara, the one form Snake Hall, apparently dreams of being a ninja. She practices throwing knives at night in the hallways, when no one would get in her way. According to Donald, this is just what she was doing the night of the fire. She rolled, posed, shot out a spark near a door for effect – and the whole thing burst into flames.  
Barbara was startled and ran off, but had he foresight to knock some things over in order to create quite a bang – otherwise, they would have never woken up.  
Strange as it seems, this tale is indeed true. She offered up her memories and everything.  
Now, the doors are _not_ meant to burst into flame so immediately. They think it may have been due to residual magical energy, or something left over from a prank. Everyone's thinking, but nobody says – it might be something more sinister.  
As for what I think? ...well. It'd be nice to chalk it all up to ninja antics gone wrong.

-Illia


	94. The last of the usual tests

**March 14th**  
Another exam today. This one was really, really simple.  
Set in the dungeons again, our task was to make it out before our opponent. Well, I ran into mine straight off.  
And I thought -  
They can't use the same test for everyone. All the freshmen, maybe, but the upperclassmen are learning more refined skills. The boy seemed older, too, so. What would he lose if he 'lost' the exam?  
I used Communicate on him, and though he was initially unwilling to talk, he stayed still when I proposed an alternative. A battle of wits. After all, weren't we supposed to be testing our intelligence? Ellen's trouble with her test a while back came to mind, but why let that stop me? I could and would argue in defense of my actions if necessary.  
He agreed. We played a game of boxes and crosses, which I won with a bit of strategy.  
He conceded graciously and I continued on.  
Up ahead, there was a sink, or a fountain, or something similar with a spell cast on it – as I tried to pass it, I'd always end up facing the way I had come from.  
Detecting and breaking the charm wasn't hard, and then a simple Open spell directed to the doors let me out.  
Professor Potsdam commended me on my performance, and awarded me 10 merits – 5 for getting through, 5 for seeking a diplomatic resolution with my opponent.  
Seriously, I'm about 15 merits past the maximum. I'm going to keep track of that anyway.

-Illia


	95. A closed bakery

**March 15th**  
Minnie wasn't in the library, again. I studied alone.

And I talked with Virginia for a while when she got back.  
Apparently the bakery in the mall closed? Such a shame. I'll admit I didn't take advantage of it enough, but it make everything there smell like frosting and warmth. I wonder why they had to clo  
Okay, yeah, probably because people did what I did and admired it without actually buying anything. Darn.

-Illia


	96. Reservations

**March 16th**  
I know I haven't written about it in a while (sarcasm, yes), but I'm still thinking of ways to integrate my parents into the wizarding world.  
The best (?) was seems to be to get them to believe it without saying anything explicitly.  
Give them the clues, the path to know that something more is going on here, and they will figure it out for themselves.  
They're smart.  
I trust them.  
I've just... been having some reservations lately. But more on that later.

-Illia


	97. A backstory, and hope

**March 17th**  
Professor Potsdam encouraged me to stay here, at the Academy, over spring break.  
She found me in the halls after class – doesn't everyone, these days? – and asked about my plans. When I told her I was going home to my family, she made the suggestion.  
She said... that it would give me time with Professor Grabiner outside of a classroom environment, though she referred to him as Hieronymous. I guess that, um, is meant as an indication that I should be referring to him as such, in her mind?  
We're not a real couple, though, so – why should she care? I asked her this, in different words.  
"Not at the moment," she said. "However..."  
Evidently, she thinks that we – should be a we at all.  
But then she hesitated, and she seemed to shift mental tracks. Said that there I things I should know, when dealing with him. 'Minefield of a man,' she called him.  
And she said… ah, it's personal details, but it's – important. It's important.  
When he was my age, or a little older, he was in love with a wildseed girl named Violet.  
She was raised away from magical traditions (like I, like Ellen, like any other wildseed), and he distrusted them, and so they did something foolish – together, they traveled into the Otherworld.  
Their souls were unguarded, and this drew the darkest of Fair Folk to them as if they were a beacon.  
...before his eyes, her soul was drained.  
He has never forgiven himself.  
Professor Potsdam said he left England because of it, refused to enter the Otherworld… has never allowed himself to fall in love again.  
And...  
She said that he was born to a magical family that he rarely saw, and from their absence he grew to resent them, and their rules. This led to the distrust, then. (How lonely he must have been, to grow up away from his family.)  
She gave me advice – and this is out of order, because otherwise, to think on _that_ first, I would never get to anything else again. She said to be brave and to be clever, but not to be foolish, and if I do... 'who knows what might happen?'  
And then -  
"I think the two of you could make a lovely couple, if you're willing to work at it."  
I...  
She thinks...  
Even with Violet, she thinks we could be...?

No.  
It couldn't be. We can't be.  
...can we?

-Illia


	98. Expelled

**March 19th**  
Damien got expelled!  
He – did something? Something involving a freshman boy? Something that made Professor Potsdam call down flaming swords and chase him away? I don't know, it's all a bit fuzzy.  
What's for sure is that he's gone now.  
Geez.  
What did he _do?_

-Illia


	99. A Play

**March 21st**  
The school play was tonight - "The Small Place of Purchase of Frightening Things". Raven got the part, it seems, and if not the one she meant, then she certainly is a talented actress – she looked right at home in the pre-apocalyptic setting.  
TSPoPoFT – even in shorthand, it's a mouthful – has all the elements of a Greek tragedy, which they kept in this adaptation.  
And honestly? Even though everyone ended up doomed, I'm glad I went.

Almost everything's packed up now.  
And by that, I mean two books, hair ties, and a change of shoes are sitting on the end of my bed. I'm going to carry them – and you – out the gates to the car when I wake up in the morning.  
Well, here goes. I am homeward bound.

-Illia


	100. Shouldn't existential crises come later?

**March 30th**  
Dear diary:  
You may have noticed that I failed to write a single entry over the break. It's not that nothing interesting happened, it's just that... well.  
Let's start with my mother, shall we?  
She seems less curious.  
Less alive.  
Like when they took out her memories of anything magic-related, they also took away her desire to know about it, or the school, and so – she's _different_ without her curiosity. Broken, almost. Some facsimile of the woman who would build up castles of cardboard and make a quest out of every trip to the grocery store.  
And my father… my father is just the same.

I met with a representative from the online high school… what do you call that? The thing I've been taking to make up credits?  
Anyway, I met with someone to talk about the classes I'd been taking, see if I understood them (if I'd been cheating, more like).  
She asked if anything I was learning at boarding school could count, and I stared uncomprehendingly for a moment before I remembered that everyone thought I was going to a normal private school with everyday classes, and I mumbled something vague about Snell's Law until it resembled intelligent speech. She smiled at me awkwardly – the poor woman, having to deal with me – until I quietly explained that we're trying something new at my boarding school that would carry great promise if it works, but which is still experimental, and so credits gained from it can't really carry over yet.

I started wearing – a sheet draped over my shoulders because I'm so unused to 'normal' clothes.  
I would sit there on the couch in cotton shirts and shorts and fidget.  
I actually walked to the nearest gas station – which took about half an hour – and bought a slushie, just so I could come home and stare at it and watch it melt.  
I froze it, thawed it, froze it again just to relieve some of the pressure.  
It tasted terrible. Magic tends to leave that sort of taste in your mouth.

And keeping everything up…  
I couldn't do it.  
I want to be honest, in here if nowhere else.  
And split between two – between two [i]worlds[/i] it seems like, I couldn't do that.

What if it really is better to leave them in the dark? I had to get married to avoid having my magic, my soul, my _life_ consumed, and… Violet wasn't lucky enough, and both of these came after knowing about magic, knowing some of the rules and traditions. My parents don't know any of that.

But I can't leave them in ignorance, can I? It's killing me. I'd almost rather – them forget me, forget everything about me to keep them safe, but I can't do that. I won't. I...

Ellen seems to be going through the same thing. We didn't talk much about it, but. At the end we exchanged this look, and I knew we understood each other.  
I wish we didn't.  
I wish things weren't wrong enough that there was anything to interpret.

-Illia


	101. Progress

**April 1st**  
Professor Grabiner came to talk to me about the Thunder Dance. As a class officer, I'll be responsible for gathering up the other freshmen and transporting them safely to the gym, as well as keeping them under – well, what's the opposite of control?  
Because - the Thunder Dance, a celebration of the first storm in April, is anything but orderly. We all rush to the gym when the storm is spotted, at any time of day or night, no matter what we had been doing.  
Anything goes, so long as it's not fire-spinning. That'll come later, if we ever do learn enough control.  
Screaming and stomping and carrying on – that's what I'll be doing. Fun!  
But apparently, not his thing.

I summoned the courage to ask about his spring break. And a surprising thing happened, diary – he actually made a joke.  
(I know, I was surprised about it as you are!)  
We, um. Ended up talking about my troubles at home, and told me I am always welcome to stay here. Many wildseed witches and wizards end up staying at the Academy full-time for just such reasons.

And one more thing.  
"You are not entirely troublesome."  
!

-Illia


	102. Someday I'll be a mastermind

**April 5th**  
Ellen's up to something.  
(I am very proud.)  
I can't be sure, but. We've been talking about... things, in appropriately vague and mysterious phrases, and mentioned our dissatisfaction with the way the magical community seems to brush off certain things, though I tend to focus on the cover-ups at large, while she seems concerned with the gap between magical and non-magical society, and the differing rules.  
And she said she's been thinking of something, something big.

(We are going to turn this world on its heels.)

-Illia


	103. Very down, then up up up

**April 6th**  
Today there was a fight between Kyo, Minnie, and Jacob. It felt like it was a long time in coming, but that didn't make it any better.  
Minnie was half parts looking on helplessly, half parts sticking to her guns, albeit weakly. Jacob seemed, to me, to be a tremendous help. Am I allowed to be proud of him? Who cares, I am anyway. Go Jacob!  
Kyo was... ugh. Kyo was scary, let's not sugarcoat it.  
He shouted and glared and threatened, and even I shrank away.  
And his intentions -  
She's sweet and kind and helpful, and he wants to manipulate her into some twisted version of his ideal girlfriend?  
I would not stand for it - I tried to talk to him, unwise as the decision was.  
Of course, all my anger and indignation burned out in the face of his own.  
It was unhelpful.  
I suggested, untactfully, and honestly rather bluntly, that he try to forget about her, saying if she didn't want to date him, he shouldn't try to force the issue.  
He took this as an opportunity to rant, and said that all women are the same (seriously, what a stuck-up jerk) and muttered things that were generally dark and worrisome. He stormed off after that.  
I knew I had to talk to someone. Going up to Kyo just made him angrier – and possibly more dangerous.  
Professor Potsdam flitted into my mind, but no – I felt like she would dismiss the matter as a case of young love, nothing too serious, and would downplay it.  
Professor Grabiner, then.  
He was annoyed, initially, and I thought I had made a mistake. But I explained that it was more than idle gossip, and that I was concerned for Mininie's well-being not only because of this incident, but of everything that happened in the past (which I told him, too, after which he muttered that it was "emotionally manipulative behavior" – and I felt both proud, as he was taking it seriously, and relieved, as he… well, was taking it seriously, and not seeing it, and therefore me, as silly and childish).  
I told him about Jacob, and mentioned the fire that had happened was outside Jacob's room. This made him narrow his eyes – I think I may have been right in assuming a connection there.

He then expressed surprise that I would come to him about such matters, saying that he would not be most people's first choice when dealing with personal matters.  
I hadn't even needed to think about it. I know that he cares about his students, and scary as he used to seem, I know that I can come to him.  
I trust him.  
He seemed troubled when I told him this. ...too close? Maybe.  
Still, he thanked me for bringing the issue to him, and assured me he would speak with Kyo.  
And.  
He called me Illia.  
And told me I didn't have to call him 'sir' all the time.  
!

-Illia


	104. A secret not kept

**April 7th**  
Everything everything everything is wrong.  
I'm wrong.  
I've messed it all up somehow and I don't even know what I've done.  
Don't want to talk.  
Don't want to write.  
Writing anyway.  
Won't just curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out, I've done that already. Patient as Ellen is, I think she's gotten tired of the noise.  
So writing.  
I have writing.

They're knocking at the door now. They have been for a while. It's late, and getting later, and Isobel can't stay up forever – she offered, in a fit of boundless grace and kindness, but rumors will continue to spread.  
As I tell my tale of woe (oh, now I'm fighting back giggles even as my throat is clogged thick with tears), I'll mark down every time they knock. Separate incidents, maybe. Or when it gets too bad, too loud, to closely-spaced – maybe only when it bothers me. A test for myself, then.

Let me say now, lest I lose the will to compose this entry half-way through it and so lose any reminder to this day: they know. Not just Virginia and Ellen, oh no.  
The entire school.

The beginning. Let's start at the beginning.  
I will tell you everything I saw of importance, and more than that, too; together, then, we may begin to puzzle out where it all went wrong.

'The day seemed normal enough at first' is what I want to say, but it didn't, really.  
It seemed _better._  
_There's_ no use sleeping in on a Red magic day, so I was up and ready before Virginia even rolled out of bed. (Literally – then she grumbled as she pulled herself up by the sheets and Ellen and I had to choke back our laughter.)  
We had made plans to test out the Protective Gear later in the day, and see if they had enough impact on us to make a difference in sports club without counting as cheating.  
And I had finished that book – "The Looking Glass Wars" – the only one of them that Ellen has not read, and as she's seemed listless in recent days, I let her borrow it.  
This then done, I was practically humming with happiness at cheering her up.

And I was giddy – giddy, imagine that! – at the prospect of seeing Professor Grabiner again, even if I did have to address him formally in front of the other students.  
It seemed as though I was rewarded, too, with the barest hint of a [i]smile[/i] when I came in.  
So when I sat, at a desk near the middle of the classroom, (a Snake Hall girl – I can never seem to remember her name, and I'm not sure she's ever actually told me – asked me for help with a new concept about a week and a half ago, and I've gotten used to helping her out whenever I take Red magic class) I thought that nothing could go wrong.  
I was mistaken.  
It started with the whispering.  
People murmured as they came in, gossiping and giggling. Not a new concept, but to do it in front of Professor Grabiner usually seemed unwise enough to quiet their laughter. Not so today.  
And despite being seated in the very center of the classroom, it seemed surprisingly empty to me. Though it is, admittedly, rare to fill the classroom completely up, there's usually no scarcity in terms of its occupants. But there, I sat alone, or nearly so. Only one other slid into a nearby seat, and the girl I mentioned wouldn't even turn her head.  
And so it seemed that their attention was turned to me, that I was their center of attention, for whatever reason.  
This, I thought was strange, but what could I do? Nothing, really – not even concentrate, though I tried.  
In the halls, too, people whispered.  
They moved away when I walked, and the halls that were normally so difficult to navigate became a sea that parted before me.

...you'll have to forgive me for any purple prose, or terrible interpretation of it. Honestly? I'm freaked out right now and I'm trying not to wallow in it. I don't want to spend too much time thinking about what to say, or else I might think too long on a certain aspect and – I dunno. Stop writing, I guess. It's a temporary lifeline. The worst that might happen is I end up doodling angry spirals n the margins, but I've managed to keep your pages relatively neat so far, so – let's just continue.

Anyway.  
...in the halls, nearly everyone turned to stare at me, it seemed. I didn't even know _why,_ or I was supposed to have _done_ something.  
At that point, I wanted nothing more than to go back to my room and hide out until Ellen or Virginia came back. They'd know what was going on, and even if they didn't... Ellen would be as confused as I, I thought, but she wouldn't gossip about me, and Virginia – she probably _would,_ but she wouldn't be mean-spirited about it.  
And then I saw Manuel.  
I thought – well, I guess I thought he'd talk _to_ me, before he'd talk _about_ me. In any case, he was sweet enough that he wouldn't do it to my face, right?  
He seemed a little startled to see me, then – concerned? I couldn't figure it out at the time, but the first words out of his mouth were, "is he cruel to you?"  
And 'he', who was 'he', who did I know well enough to be my 'he', that I was supposed to immediately recognize? And I was confused and a little scared and I guess it must have shown on my face because he elaborated:  
"Your... husband."

If someone told me it were ever possible for the world to stop, I would have believed them, because in that moment all I knew was the sound of blood thudding in my ears and the feeling of my stomach dropping out.  
And that stutter, that stupid stutter kicked in, and it mangled such a simple word as 'what' into 'wh-wh-wh-what?'  
And his confusion looked to almost match mine, as he asked if it really wasn't true, then.  
I wanted to answer him, really I did, but I wasn't fast enough because he was suddenly nudged aside and I was met with the [i]far[/i] less pleasant visage of our own Angela Kirsch.  
'My congratulations on the happy couple,' she said in that snide tone of hers (the one that makes you wince, because of course you know what's going to happen, there is just no way to stop it), hand on her hip and brimming with smug confidence, and has she ever felt a smidgen of actual happiness in her life that _wasn't_ derived making someone else's live miserable?  
'Of course, it's a little late – but then, I suppose you wouldn't want everyone to know how you were _really_ earning those grades of yours.'  
No, I don't think she has – and for a senior and supposed illuminated honor student at that, she's not very bright.  
Everyone knows that I'm earning '_those grades_', because I _am_ known for being brilliant, thank you, and we don't even use a proper grading system here – so '_those grades_' are a clear indication – proper proof, more! – that I am doing as I'm supposed to be, and – and she must have known it.

She must have known the effect she would have on the crowd around, too, because they all pressed in, throwing around questions – how did it happen, what did my dress look like, who asked who, where did we have our honeymoon, even asking (and it's hard to imagine I would ever be writing this) what Professor Grabiner is like in bed – really, is that what you want to know? Is knowing how your teacher is in that particular field really going to make your life complete? And they thought he'd want to, anyway, with _me?_ And I'd want to tell them about it?

Faster and faster they went, and I was caught in the crowd. Saying I panicked would be an understatement.  
And then, there he was.  
I thought him my savior, pulling me away from a frenzied crowd, but I soon found that he, too, was no friend.  
He dragged me away from them by my arm, and his grip was rough. This should have been my first clue.

But I didn't think of it much, and though it made my arm ache, I guess I thought it was because of the difficulty of getting out of the circle of people, and not because of me. I started to thank him, even, before he cut him off.  
He looked angrier than I had expected.  
'Mrs. Grabiner' is how he addressed me, the emphasis hissed, and oh, then I did worry.  
'Do you realize we are now the laughingstocks of the school?' I was confused – of course I realized that, hadn't he just seen me in the midst of the gossip?  
He – ranted, sort of, saying he'd given me the courtesy of informality, offered me an olive branch and I threw it in the fire, and that because of my indiscretion – everyone knew.  
I was dumbfounded, then. He thought I did it? He thought I was the one who told?  
Again, I panicked – after we had been getting along so well, after he had been so nice, I hadn't wanted him to think of me like that – and I _had not told anyone_. And I tried to explain.  
He didn't believe me. 'You have already taken me for a fool, and yet you feel the need to repeat the offense.'  
Again, I tried to explain – and he, he –  
His whole body seemed to be shaking with rage, and I was pulled back, pinned up against the wall with magic. If he hadn't composed himself, I may have suffered more than a jolt of fear and nausea at the sudden movement, though he'll get no thanks from me for that.  
'No. More. Lies.' If I had a lifetime, I don't think I could ever emphasized how he hissed these words, burning with cold fury, and – and disgust.  
'Like a child, you think yourself immortal,' he said, quietly and more composed as I was left to dangle.  
He said… I may as well write most of it down.  
They keep echoing, anyway.  
'Your life was at stake and you knew it, but what did you care? We were always there to save you. I have sworn an oath to take you as my wife and protect you. I cannot harm you. I cannot to divorce you until the year is up. I dare not send you away.'  
And then he smiled thinly. 'And so you believe there is nothing I can do to you.'  
I wanted to talk, to say something, to deny, to plead. I couldn't. My tongue felt too thick for speech, and struggling against it made my throat burn.  
'Push me again, mock me again, little girl. I will keep you so very safe. I will protect you in the depths of the darkest dungeon, until your giggling chums have forgotten your very name.  
I can make you disappear.'  
And he let me go, the spell lifted.  
I fell to my knees, wobbling onto them, winded.  
'Go back to your eager public,' he told me. Enjoy my fame.  
And be afraid.  
I was terrified.  
But – still, he would listen, wouldn't he? This is what I thought then, as still I tried to say something, to form some sort of response.  
He would not. In that instant, all his anger flashed back and his voice rose to a shout – _run away._  
And I did.  
I fled, away from him and the pressing fear, and collapsed _here._ I've barely moved since then.

I cried. I'll admit that. I was scared and lost and hurt, and I cried until my pillow was damp.  
I'd never seen him so angry, and I hope I never will again.

I wasn't allowed to be alone for long, of course I wasn't.  
Ellen and Virginia wandered back here, after hearing the rumors.  
Ellen figured it out first, that it was true.  
And -  
And what was the point, then, of keeping secrets any more?  
I told them everything. The facts of the matter, how it started, what had happened this afternoon… I told them all of this.

I was afraid, afraid of being tortured in a dungeon, I professed to them, but I've had time to think about it now, and - and that doesn't scare me, not anymore. I didn't leak the secret I won't do anything else to attract attention, I'll be quiet and perfect and good and I'll keep myself safe, see if I won't.  
No, that part's all burned up now.  
I am, now, almost resigned to it – and that part, that scares me. I really, really did nothing wrong, but I'm going to accept the punishment anyway…? If I could have spoken my part, actually been able to explain – wouldn't I have been better off?  
Someone else spread the secret, someone else has messed around with my business.  
I can't do anything.

I'm afraid of him, now, I'm afraid of not being trusted, I'm afraid of being ostracized, I'm afraid of someone having so much control over my fate, I'm afraid of everything going wrong when I try to hard just to help…

Virginia's gone out to convince everyone that I'm not here. This works, only to an extent. Some are suspicious, some still curious. We've still got people here to bang on our door and call through it.  
They won't be getting anywhere like that, I can tell you so right now.  
But I don't think they'll leave. Or… new ones will replace them.

How can I carry on like this? How can I go to class – class with him! – and bear this?  
Will I even be allowed?

...well. I said I'd mark when they knocked, and I guess that was a lie.  
I like it better this way.  
I may be able to ignore them, then.

-I.

Postscript – seven times.  
They've knocked seven times.  
Someone came to the window a moment ago, but Ellen – oh, sweet Ellen, she actually knocked them away with a burst of wind. And Virginia, too, running around on a wild goose chase for my behalf – I don't know how I'm to ever repay them.


	105. An unexpected apology

**April 8th**  
So. Where to start?  
Professor Grabiner came by this morning to talk to me. He knocked on the door, first, and Ellen and I thought he was another student, come to find the source of gossip. We were going to ignore it – and then he spoke through the door, asking for a moment of my time.  
That settled it, then.  
I slunk out to meet him. It was hard to meet his eyes, but he had lost his vitriol.

He apologized.  
I... forgave.  
Sort of.  
Accepted his explanation.

Minnie told them. Minnie!  
I don't know how, or why, but whatever the reason, she confessed to it.  
I... don't want to think enough about it to try and figure out why she would ever just – do that. Tell everyone.

And he said that, as everyone now knew – as 'the lid is off the box' – he will 'make the appropriate announcements'.  
Appropriate announcements being, as I thought then and later confirmed, veiled threats should people continue to act as they did.  
I actually thanked him, but he said that such actions are his responsibilities.  
(I just can't get away from that reminder, can I?)

So. I think I just, essentially, forgave him.

Amantes sunt amentes.  
It's what my father used to say. …still says, probably, but he stopped quoting it to me when I came to be of a dating age and he stopped wanting to remind me that I could be, as he was once, stupid in love.  
Not in love. Not.  
Won't let myself be.

Augh, no. Stop it. Stop.  
Stop being – sad.

What would I have said, anyway – 'you scared the piss out of me and I thought I was going to die for a minute how could you do that to me?'  
How do you voice your fear of someone _to_ that person?

So. No. Won't be sad.  
I'm stronger than this. Yesterday the terror was real, as was the shock of it.  
Today it is rumors.  
But it's hard.  
Blah. Too much thinking. Too much – self-reflecting.  
I think I'll go outside – stretch my legs a bit. Harder to be sad in sunshine, in springtime.  
As he pretty much just threatened the whole of the student body with some unknown, ominous punishment in the case that they try to get gossip out of me – well, it might be a little awkward, but I should be able to find someone to talk to.

-Illia

**Addendum**  
No one would talk to me.  
Even Manuel found reason to flee, shrinking away from me, and Pastel started apologizing wildly – geez, I know she's flirty, but does she really think I'm that offended by her? – and Ellen. _Ellen._  
_She_ started asking if I was going to move into Professor Grabiner's rooms now that the secret was out, said that I must have better things to do than anything she was up to, especially because I was an adult now.  
(You may pause a moment for hysterical, disbelieving laughter.)  
And I was harsh in response, I'll admit, but – hey, you try walking down a hallway, and being treated like a – a – _disease_ by everybody, even by one of the few people you've learned to trust.

Who could I go to?  
Well... him.  
If I came back here, if I just slumped into bed and waited through dinner, until tomorrow, until things were 'normal' again, if I just accepted – everything, I guess – if I had done that quietly, it would have felt like giving up.  
And I _don't_ give up.

I was going to talk to someone, even if that choice of someone only made me look stranger.  
…if he'd let me. I hadn't known if he would. Hoped – and hoped against, a little, the desire born out of the lingering fear.

I remembered the way, and silently thanked Professor Potsdam; her meddling, at least here, would help me.  
I knocked, hesitant as it was, and he – let me in.

He wouldn't meet my eyes, at first, but for different reasons. He apologized again, for yesterday – for his treatment of me.  
He said he shouldn't have leapt to conclusions, that I have, um, always behaved in an honorable fashion, and that I deserve to be treated with respect.  
He said he wouldn't have actually locked me away, anyway, and that he cannot, so that's one threat I won't need to fear - and asked if there was anything else.  
Still, he would not meet my eyes.

And I broke.  
'Have you seen the way they _look_ at me?'  
Childish, maybe, and weak, but – no, I don't have an intelligent explanation or justification for it.

It all came out in a rush.  
I've never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, my parents hadn't even wanted me to date until I was 16 and now I'm _married,_ everyone avoided me - 'used goods' was the phrase that stuck out in my mind, left over from too many romantic novels; a phrase I didn't voice – I'd been trying so hard to keep it a secret from everyone, even my parents, even my roommates, and it still got out -  
But at the very least, I said, I had hoped that I could have been married to someone who _liked_ me.  
Oh, as soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. It's a true sentiment, yes, and I've even written here about it. But _telling_ him so?  
I wanted to sink into the floorboards.  
And his face… he looked unguardedly taken aback. Wasn't expecting my outburst, I guess.  
I stuttered out an apology, said I should go and not bother him anymore.  
I planned to – run off in mortification.  
He stopped me. 'I don't… dislike you,' he said.  
I couldn't say anything eloquent, just a startled 'what?'  
He repeated his statement, and added that I a'm – let me paraphrase.  
According to him, I'm a bright young woman, clever and intuitive, and that I'm learning to temper my actions with wisdom.  
'And, of course, you are a [i]young[/i] woman, and you prefer the company of your peers.'  
I reminded him that it was [i]his[/i] company I sought out then, and I managed to render him near-speechless, momentarily silent but for one 'oh'. He looked somewhat thoughtful. Contemplative.

And I was… emboldened, I suppose? Enough to ask if I would be able to talk to him again like this.  
He said he's very busy with preparations for the final exams, and I thought that was the end of the matter, a straight-out, if slightly softened, 'no'. And then he added that this Saturday would perhaps be acceptable.

Saturday. I'll talk with him on Saturday.  
As I stood there, realizing that he had essentially said that I'm able to visit him in his room, with less of the usual formality, and regarding this with wonder, he wished me a pleasant day.  
My response - and it's end – was quiet, but definite: 'You, too... Hieronymous.'

I left very calmly and gracefully...  
...and then ran back here, pressed a pillow to my face, and rolled around on my bed, all while grinning like a silly school-girl.

Am I pathetic?  
I might be.  
But I am the _happiest_ most pathetic person that has ever lived.

-Illia


	106. Another Apology

**April 9th**  
Minnie came by today to apologize for letting slip the secret.

Alright, diary, if you give me a moment, I'm going to vent a little bit.

How did she _not_ know that mentioning that the gloomiest, strictest, most unfortunately nicknamed teacher had gotten hitched was going to spark some curiosity?  
How does that just _come out_?  
What could they have been talking about that made it's way to 'the professor is married' in a casual manner?  
'Yeah, but I'm not the only one with terrible/strange taste in significant others; Professor Grabiner—'?

She said she was talking to her roommate about feeling trapped, so... initially talking about her and Kyo, I guess, and how he keeps (or kept, I hope) trying to force her into a relationship?

Which details made her relate that to… this? To my circumstances?  
After that first week, I can't say I really felt trapped, and I'm certain I didn't voice anything of the sort to her.  
Unless she meant him? Trapped through circumstances which mutated without his control, through… my actions?  
Or, I dunno, things can start out seeming one way and end up another?  
Or unintended consequences? Try to be a hero, end up getting married to avoid being eaten versus trying to make friends and have a relationship and end up shoehorned into a demanding role you don't want to fill?

And then, of course, there's always the possibility that she said it in a not-quite-accidental way. I mean, it did shift focus away from her and Kyo, pretty much entirely.  
And if they weren't talking about her and him, wouldn't that have relieved some of the pressure for her? Made it so she could turn him down without a crowd?  
But would she do that? It seems more likely that it would be a slip of the tongue, drawn out by a tired mind, not some deliberately masterminded plan.

Blargh, rumors are the worst, why am I even trying to analyze this?

Though... wait a second, she said she told 'her roommate', and as far as I know, she has a two-person dorm room, so... _Pastel_ helped spread the rumor? That explains why she let out a string of panicked apologies when she saw me in the halls the other day…  
Oh, she probably thought she was going to be punished, didn't she? Wasn't that – yeah, it was the day they made the announcements.

I should reassure her that she's not actually going to get strung up by her ankles for spreading the secret.  
...later.  
It did scare the heck out of me.  
Fine, okay, I'll tell her tomorrow.

Anyway.  
I told Minnie that although, yeah, she shouldn't have said anything and it freaked me out, I'm really not mad at her.  
Now, if things had turned out badly and I actually ended up being tortured in the dungeons somewhere, I would be furious, and if she _did_ say it to stop people talking about her, I'm going to be just as unhappy, but. As it is, I don't have much to hold against her.

I'm going to just go... read a book or something. Rumors are going to be the death of me.

-Illia


	107. Thunder Dance

**April 10th**  
The Thunder Dance was last night.  
I do mean night, too – everyone had to be woken up and dragged from their beds in order to come to the gym.  
On one hand, it would have been nice to get some warning – I might have slept in yesterday and been ready to spend the entire night sleepless, shouting, and whirling.  
On the other… for as much as I may sometimes complain about how technologically distanced we are, waiting for a storm without having the weather channel predict it was – well, exciting.

Everyone was _loud._  
Maybe that's not the right word for it. It over-simplifies it.  
Wild. Primal, even.  
The gym was already half filled by the time we got there. By seniors and juniors, it seemed, more used to this than we. As everyone filed in, they blinked bleary eyes at the scene around them.  
Most of the freshmen – and not only wildseed freshmen, but magic born, too – seemed confused. No one had explained it to them, or in their tired state, they weren't sure what to do.  
Instructions were shouted to them, both in keeping with the theme of the ceremony and to make sure the words could be heard over the clamor.  
Some took to it immediately, screaming and jumping and wiggling like they were born to it.  
Someone tried to form a conga line, but they were told to break it up. A giant line of teenagers moving out of step and flailing at odd moments, and it wasn't wild enough.  
(I'd like to find that person and shake their hand, because the idea of a conga line in a magical school – during a ceremony, no less – is for some reason hilarious to me.)

And the fire dancing.  
When it started up, we all pushed away from the center of the room – the freshmen did, at least – still dancing, but slower, to watch. I guess the nature of fire dancing made up for it.  
William was the best of all of them. Ribbons of fire curled around him, whirling close, but making it look effortless.

And I danced, too.  
I wasn't _graceful,_ but I was enthusiastic.  
I managed to pull Ellen in for a dance of sorts – which was mostly spinning around at a jerky, too-fast pace. We both tripped and fell at one point or another, but laughing as we did so.  
Virginia was… much too fast for me. I thought she was going to pull my arm out of its socket at one point! I had to concede to her enthusiasm.

I saw Professor Grabiner at one point, looking none too pleased at the noise. He'd said all that was expected of his was a few minutes of clapping, and this seemed to be true. Unlike us, he was nearly motionless. (Probably waiting for it to end.)  
I don't know if he saw me, but I grinned in his general direction before twirling back into the fray.  
I think I caught a glimpse of Minnie, too. Her hair is going to be so tangled! Hopefully she knows a way to get the snarls out easier; otherwise, she's got a lot of brushing ahead of her.

It was absolutely exhausting – even as I write, I'm about read to nod off – but it was so much fun.

-Illia


	108. A Visit

**April 12th**  
Today I went to talk to Professor Grabiner.  
I brought tea with me – and I had to ask for some help, as I've never really made it before.  
(I hope he didn't mind that I let mine cool in my cup.  
I've never been fond of tea, not since Peter fount it to be the perfect medium for his pranks, and I hear poor Yulia fares much the same.)  
He said it was kind of me, and I made an allusion that made it seem like I brought it because I felt it was my duty, and then I had to backtrack frantically, finally explaining it away with 'I _want_ to be kind to you.'  
Kind and courageous, then, he called me, 'to walk into the lion's den.'  
I had to bite back a smile; that's just how I'd thought of it when Professor Potsdam talked me into bringing him soup a month and a half ago.  
But I was not so hesitant now, not so afraid, and I told him so.

But the others seem to think so.  
He asked... why I thought he was so, ah – scary, really, to the students. Why he went out of his way to terrify them.

I hadn't really thought about it before, I guess?  
But he isn't outright cruel, isn't harsh without reason.  
And I know I've learned.  
And, barring an incident that I'm now willing to admit wasn't completely my fault but which was really more to blame on a lack of knowledge, and which was resolved in as peaceful a way as possible, I have been kept safe.  
So - to protect them, I said. To protect us.  
And he chuckled and nodded. It is his goal, he told me.  
The council (now doesn't that sound interesting?) sets the rules, and - 'I terrorize the sheep into following them.'  
This world is full of possibilities, of beautiful, dangerous things. It's easy for students – especially wildseed students – to be distracted, drawn in by something dangerous. To be killed.  
…Violet, then, is who he was thinking of.  
When a student steps out of line, when they show that they pose a danger to themselves or to others – their power is stripped away. They have an excellent record for keeping people alive.  
Protecting them – us – is all well and good, but wouldn't it get lonely, being feared all the time? I asked him as much.  
'Not _everyone_ fears me,' was his reply.  
And no, not literally everyone. Professor Potsdam isn't scared of _anything,_ it seems, so she wouldn't be.  
'And yourself?' he asked.  
Well. I was afraid of him, this week.  
He told me I was meant to be.  
He believed I had gone too far, that I had made a joke of him, no longer had any respect for authority or for the rules that would protect me, for the promises I had made, that I was out of control and there was nothing he could do to punish me.  
And so he believed I had to be… controlled through other means. Through fear. And he frightened me to the best of his ability.

While what he spoke of before – being locked away in a dungeon, away from the mundane and the magical alike – would _not_ be inflicted on me for what I did (for what he believed I did), should I do something that would normally get me expelled, this would be my fate. They would have to use... 'extreme measures'.  
As his wife, I wouldn't be allowed to be expelled, not until the year (and a day) was up, but I couldn't continue as a student – really, I would have to show some extreme disregard for rules to the level that I would be a danger not only to myself, but to others.  
And he smiled (with a hint of a smirk, hmph) and said that despite his earlier suggestions, speaking out of turns about a professor is not reason for expulsion.

And then I.  
Was bold again, I guess.  
I managed to turn the conversation into something… well, something less gloomy than the previous topic of being locked up or dying.  
Don't ask me how, I'm just proud I didn't turn into a stuttering mess in the process. (Victory is in the bag, diary.)

I asked what he did for fun. He said, and I quote: "I do not have **fun**."  
(Hee.)

He likes chamber music (I'll have to look into what, exactly, falls into that category. …also he actually said he's 'fond of' it. Professor Grabiner is far too classy for such childish terms as 'like,' I see), and enjoys wine.  
Which I am far too young to have tried, he added.  
No, I haven't, and I can't say it's been a major goal of mine to remedy that. _But._ Has _he_ ever tried a blue snow cone?  
...he hasn't. Never had a blue snow cone, imagine that.  
Now that, I will have to fix.  
...well, most any color or flavor would work in this case, but still.

We talked for a while about hobbies and interests, and I absolutely did not squeal into my pillow the moment I came back.

-Illia  
**Postscript** – the second half of that sentence was a dirty lie and we all know it.


	109. Fundraising

**April 17th**  
Minnie told me about the end of the year fundraiser today. She said she meant to tell me earlier, but with everything that's been going on... well, it's understandable that it slipped her mind.  
We decided to sell snack packs. It won't be anything big or special, but it'll be pretty handy, and it'll raise money. ...actually, we're kind of figuring on some people buying it just because they know it's raising money.  
Still.  
I've been working on a lost of foods that might work with it, as well as some approximate prices. Can't be sure about them, of course, but for rough estimate I think they're pretty accurate.

It'd be nice to make some parts of it optional – say, switch out a few of the types of food, and customize them, that sort of thing – but I think it'd be too much work to do for the entire school, and a potential waste of resources.

Anyway, I'll be buying one, so. That's $5 raised.

-Illia


	110. Sorting and Talking

**April 19th**  
$5 turns out to be the figure we stuck with for the fundraiser. Everything worked out pretty much as we expected.  
I reported this back to Professor Grabiner this morning once I had sorted out the mail.

And then.  
Before he left, I asked if he, fond as he is of chamber music, played an instrument.  
He seemed… taken aback, maybe? But he answered anyway.  
The flute. He plays the flute, imagine that!

And he asked if I played anything.

When I was seven, my parents set me in front of our old, grand piano, and I plunked diligently, if unenthusiastically, at the keys for about a hear and a half – the half here, the year with Yulia. But when we moved away again, I guess they thought I'd associate it too much with Yulia, and didn't want me to miss her any more than was necessary. When I asked again to drop it, they let me.  
Occasionally, on very, very boring days, I've sat down and picked out a simple tune. Mostly, I've just forgotten it.  
Of course, I summed all this up as "I _used_ to play the piano..." and followed it up with a decidedly embarrassed laugh.

I spent the rest of the day (alright, a good portion of it) studying with Minnie in the library. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this!

-Illia


	111. The mail, the mail

**April 26th**  
A lot of mail to deliver today. Mostly things for the May Day Ball, I'm guessing – otherwise, everyone would just get it when they came home, if they're going home.  
I had to make several trips just to carry it all. Doesn't anyone think about the poor delivery girl?  
Apparently not.

Professor Grabiner got a letter today, too, which he gave barely a glance before setting on fire.  
This – and the fact that he muttered about a 'miserable old coot' – pretty much makes me sure it was a letter from his father. "Burning his letters unopened," indeed!  
Something to take note of, diary, is that he did _not_ sound like a perfectly composed scholar at this moment, no - he sounded like a sulky teenager!

(Yes, of course I told him this. How could I pass up that opportunity?  
It made for a good – well, an improved – start to the day.)

I've been preparing for the final exam this past week, which is the only excuse for the lack of entries.  
I'm going to spend a good portion of today studying, too.  
Oh, isn't life just grand?

-Illia  
**Postscript** – actually... yes. It is.  
Yes, even with the studying and preparing, it really is.  
**Post-Postscript** – I was not prepared for this when I came here.  
Why in the world would I be so unbothered by studying so much?  
**Post-Post-Postscript** – oh, right. Magic.  
I'm leaving it at that before this gets too crazy.


	112. Studying

**April 28th**  
Exam snacks were passed around today. Yum. They seem to be doing pretty well with people, too. We'd known prior to today that they would, to some extent – we had the number of orders in front of us, after all – but we weren't sure how well they would be received.  
Turns out, pretty well! People seem mostly satisfied with what they get for the price, and I think the timing helps.

So, as you can see, I'm taking a brief break from studying to write in here.  
...I'm not sure how much of an effect studying is going to have, but. It's better to go over everything and not need the knowledge than waste time and end up failing, right?  
Right.  
I'd better get back to it, though. The exam's tomorrow, so – wish me luck, diary!

-Illia


	113. The Final Exam

**April 29th**  
The Final exam was today.  
Go ahead and guess how I did.  
Guessed?  
Well, let me just tell you:  
Aced.  
It.  
We aced it, anyway.  
The Final? Yeah, it was between three people. ...probably two, normally, but. Three for us. Ellen, Virginia, and I all met in the same place at the same time.  
I'm not sure if everyone else knew, but they seemed less surprised than I was. I might have missed that memo.  
It was... wow, it was a little bit complicated when all was said and done, but that was to be expected, wasn't it?

Professor Potsdam gave us less explanation than usual. Even the instructions were cut short.

Ellen... started apologizing when we got there. Before we started figuring out what to do, or where exactly we were – though after casting a spell to light up the area a bit, because really, it was much darker than usual - she asked me about Professor Grabiner. Apparently that was a good time to bring that up? Goodness knows _why,_ but bring it up she did.

She said she… wanted to apologize for acting the way she did about the marriage. Said that before everyone was told to treat it as a real marriage, she could just think of it as some bizarre, terrible thing that happened to me, but if it were _real..._ well, then, it meant that everything was different. Because it meant that I was an adult, then, right? But she realized that even though it was strange for her, it must have been strange for me, too.

And Virginia ruined the moment.  
To get the impression of how completely and totally she managed to do this, here are her exact words: "Don't feel sorry for her. She totally has the hots for Grabby."  
She had to phrase it like that? Seriously?  
In answer to the questions that followed, I admitted that there was some truth to it, but – really, it wasn't (isn't!) like that.  
We're starting to be friends, I think. I hope.  
…and no, he didn't tell me what to do to solve the exam, and I didn't ask.

And then? Business.  
Virginia thought we should seek out the monsters that inevitably populated the dungeons, and Ellen thought we should find what Professor Potsdam mentioned.  
I thought we should go with Ellen's suggestion, mostly because I did not want to go running after monsters in the dark and get mauled.  
This didn't quite work, but I'll get to that shortly.  
Virginia seemed somewhat put out (sorry Virginia!) but agreed to go along with it. (Next time, if there is a next time – and I think there will be – we're looking for the monsters first.)

We decided to split up – a bad idea in horror movies, for sure, but a) I'm a witch now, and I'm pretty sure common serial killers aren't expecting to face someone with an arsenal of spells at their disposal, even a first-year like me, and b) the Mystery Gang did it, and it always worked well for them.

So, to stay in contact with each other, we cast Farspeech. This was my first chance to really try it out and it is _so much better_ than Communication.  
Apparently, if you know where they were when you started, and you keep the spell going, it keeps you semi-informed on where they are – at least, up until the spell wears off.

Casting Detect Charm was pretty useful, and though it's jarring to suddenly just know that there's an enchantment up ahead, there were a _lot_ of charms, all in the form of various nasty-looking traps.

I pity whoever was caught in those traps.  
Including me. I got caught in one of those traps, and I pity me.  
The Farspeech spell ran out, and I, for some inane reason, kept walking as I cast it. I walked straight into one of the traps I had just seen, all because I wasn't paying attention. That was... unpleasant. And made of many sharp, pointy edges. I cast Silence on it, since it kept clattering noisily, even after I'd pulled away. But, for the most part, I got past that first stage fairly easily.

Then we managed to locate the orb.  
It was, of course, guarded by all sorts of fearsome beasts. I think. I couldn't really see them, but they were growling and scraping claws on the floor, and… I think one of them was scaled, too. I could hear what sounded like its edges clicking as it moved.

I was bait.  
A lovely job, isn't it?  
But I did say that I was pretty good at running, so that's on me. I was… well, adrenaline and fear and minor touches of panic made be faster.  
Not [i]quite[/i] fast enough, though. I knew I should have joined the track team. Maybe I'd have been able to actually outrun them.  
As it was, one of them slashed me on my left side and managed to turn me about and slow me – which helped Ellen's teleportation spell kick in easier.  
I still have the scratches, too. Three long, diagonal wounds running from past my hip to near the middle of my back, and that diamond out somewhat.  
I wonder if they'll scar?  
...not like I'd ever be able to talk about how I got them. Hmph.

Anyway, Ellen managed to pull me out of there soon enough, and then all that was left to do was to deal with the orb.  
'Pour your power into it,' were the instructions, and since power for us pretty much equated magic, that wasn't much of a puzzle. ...but by that point, I was pretty much out of magic. Tap the Flow seemed like it wouldn't have enough of an effect, so we needed something more dramatic. Sacrifice, then.  
That _hurt,_ I won't lie. But it worked!  
It's a strange sensation, feeling your magic drain out of you. When you cast a spell, you hardly even notice it. At the moment you use it, you watch it power a burst of light, or a bolt of energy, or – something with visible and immediate effects. But this… this was different. ...sacrifice might not have even been necessary, actually – I felt drained, like I said, but not empty of magic. Too late now.  
When we had all poured out magic into the orb, it – teleported us away. Or allowed us to be teleported. Either way, we found ourselves standing in sunlight.  
We passed with flying colors and only minor injuries.  
We did it!

We make a good team.

-Illia


	114. School Pictures

**April 30th**  
Yearbook pictures today.  
It was... that was nice, actually. Usually on picture day, everyone's scrambling around trying to fix their hair, or straighten their clothes, or apply make-up, or... things like that.  
It was pretty casual, actually!  
The whole 'school uniform' thing did relieve a fair bit of the pressure, I guess, and... huh. I guess most of us would be considered oddities, so... there's less focus on outward appearance?  
Honestly, I have no idea _why_ it's like that, so excuse my jumbled guesses.  
May Day Ball is tomorrow. Let's... see how that turns out, shall we?

-Illia


	115. A kiss

**May 1st**  
Well, I've got one thing to say after tonight: I certainly can't say I've never been kissed.

No okay there's a lot more to say than that but my brain is sort of shorting-out and I wanted the reason to be understood.  
It is also the reason why I am biting my lip and trying very hard not to squeal at the top of my lungs.

Right. So.  
The May Day Ball. That was tonight. You remember me telling you so?  
I didn't go.  
From what I've heard, it's not much different from prom at a... normal high school, and that was really nothing special. Nothing to regret missing, anyway, not if you don't place undue weight on it.

Virginia and Ellen both headed off to the dance, though, near... actually, I'm not sure about the time, but it was after the sun had set, and before it was completely dark outside. (Nice ambience, I'll admit.)  
Virginia went alone (not that she seemed to mind it at all, and actually, I think she was more focused on getting to any food they had there), and Ellen went off to meet Donald.  
That was a surprise. I think I need to pay more attention to what my friends are up to.  
And like I said, I didn't go.  
But.  
Um.  
Rather than just staying and sitting here on my bed, I decided… well, since Professor Grabiner didn't seem likely to show up at the ball, and no one was really going to want to dance with me, and even if they did, I'm not particularly light on my feet, so... why not spend my last night at the Academy doing something that actually mattered to me?

You see where I'm going with this, diary, I know it. ...wait, actually, that phrasing makes it seem like I'm implying something that was not my intention at all, forget that.  
Blah just  
just let me explain.

So. _So._  
I went to visit him. Went to his rooms.

He did let me in, which I was sort of hesitant about before – sort of wondering whether he would, I mean. It was a rather silly request, after all.

So he allowed me in, but he said that I should be at the dance - that "our circumstances" did not prevent me from attending – and that I should be having fun.  
I didn't need fun, and I told him so. Why not then spend time with someone else who supposedly didn't have fun?  
He informed me that I did not need to follow in his footsteps on this matter.  
And then he said that my life was only just beginning, that I should experience what I could and 'not let this unfortunate happening hold me back.'  
Unfortunate.  
I said much the same, then – my doubt for the word evidently showing when I repeated it.  
He wondered if I would, then choose another word.  
Said that I was tied to him through his mistakes (and wasn't I surprised to hear him say that?) and my 'unnecessary heroism'.  
And that it should never have happened.  
I apologized for being a burden (alright, apologizing is not the right word), and made to leave.  
But he said he was not trying to hurt my feelings – that he was trying to spare them.  
And then...  
...well.  
You remember how I said that Ellen and Virginia were asking me about him during the final exam? Remember some of the things I mentioned that I said to them?  
Yeahhhh he could hear that.

He said he was concerned that his actions may have created an "inappropriate connection between us."  
That he has devoted his life to protecting foolish children, to stopping them from making mistakes, and that it was his responsibility to stop me from making one then.

He treated me like a child, then. Said that I should run along and play with my friends.  
And I was... unhappy. Because – what was I going to do? What, in his mind, would I have done? Had a sudden change of heart and run off to the dance? Pretended like I'd been asked, and twirled the night away?  
I didn't want to be there.  
There was no reason to be there.  
But there was reason enough for me to be where I was.

I fired back (though it seems strange to write that, I suppose it's what I did) that it was not inappropriate for us to have a connection. "We are married, you know."  
"I could hardly forget," he said, but I wasn't done.  
And as long as it was confession time –  
I. Um.  
Well, you've heard me say that I've been bold at times, but this was far beyond that.  
I told him about how Professor Potsdam wanted – wants, I guess – us to be a real couple, how she encouraged me to stay over spring break to get to know him, how she encouraged me to stay over _summer_break with him, how she told me about Violet.

He said it was no concern of mine, but how could it be, when it seemed to mean so much to him?  
And with all his talk about how I'm young, how I need to go out and live my life, what about him?  
Had he been involved with anyone, or was I, with this marriage of necessity, the first relationship he's had since then?  
And oh, was he angry.  
It was none of my business, apparently, and I... well. I could not accept that.

He gets into these moods and sulks sometimes, he retreats into his room to avoid talking to people, he keeps up his grudge against his father, and as much as he may dislike it, he was (is) just as much of a teenager as I am, in this regard.

He was startled, and I was able to breathe deeply and speak more calmly.

I'm not experienced, I'm not wise - heck, I'm not even smart sometimes. I can't imagine what it must have been like to lose Violet, and I won't pretend that I do.

He knows so much that I don't about magic and the world in general, but about life? It seems like he's just as inexperienced as I am.  
Spending time with him is not ruining my life.

'If my existence is as damaged as you imagine it to be, is that not all the more reason you should not waste your time here?'  
And it's not. Of course it isn't. It's reason to want to help.  
And isn't it what I promised as his wife?

'The fact remains that you deserve better,' he said. Our connection is temporary.  
And – in a way, it's true. Being married to him, that's temporary. But the connection? That's not. And _this,_ this was just enough to – to make him see me as more than a student, I guess, to let me see him for more than I did, and _that_is certainly not temporary.

I will go on and discover my own young love, said he, and I should not make myself bitter before my time.

'What if I've already found it?' is what I asked.  
'You _cannot_ be serious,' he said, and oh you should have been there, should have heard him say it, I nearly broke into laughter then and there.

I only managed to mask some of the laughter when I spoke, I fear.

Was it so hard for him to believe that I like spending time with him?  
(It's certainly a unique reaction.)  
But I _do_ like spending time with him.  
He's interesting, he's knowledgeable, he has a sense of humor when he's not being mean…  
'I like you, and I'll miss you when I'm gone.'  
And I told him that it was the last time I'd see him for many months, and I'd rather be there with him than at the ball.

He said that my logic was hard to argue with – so why argue?

And, well. I said there was one thing I did regret.  
I regretted that I had still never been kissed.

And.  
He kissed me.  
Honest to goodness, he – he kissed me.

As I was ducking my head and berating myself for having said it, he tilted my chin up and _he. Kissed. Me._ (! Diary, I am blushing again just thinking about it, look at me, I'm a giggling mess.)

And, and, and, _oh_.  
Books do not do it justice.  
Not that it was – well. Not that it was the epitome of romance, or passion, or anything, but – hope. Oh, does it make me hope.

Then he said that he wasn't surprised that Professor Potsdam – though he called her Petunia, which _still_ hasn't stopped being strange – was urging me into this. That is was one of the things he had been concerned about. He suspects Professor Potsdam may have been bribed, even.  
His father is desperate for him to marry and take up the family seat.

And. From this, I also learned I'm nobility, apparently?

That seat? It's in government. Because, yeah, as mentioned, he's nobility, and so by extension, so am I.  
(Goodness, did I ever blush at that reminder. A simple 'we're married' no longer has any effect on me, but learning about more of the lasting consequences – or, well, not so much lasting, actually, but the more far-reaching ones anyway – yep, that'll do it.)  
Should I have guessed from the letter? Yes. Did I? Not. At. All.

He said he would – that I should write.  
Although technically he said "should you wish to correspond over the summer, I would not object" but coming from him it means the same thing, and - he won't be opposed to it, so of course I will, how could I not? _Why_ would I not?

And I left, then, and practically danced through the halls.  
Actually, I think I was dancing. Spinning, anyway, and I collapsed here only minues ago and squealed into my pillow.

-Illia  
...Illia Rashemi-Grabin  
no let's not make this weird  
Shoot it's too late I've already killed the moment I'm putting you down before I make it that much worse.

**Postscript** – he _kissed_ me, diary!


	116. If an ending could be a beginning

**May 2nd**  
This is it.  
Yearbooks have been passed out, goodbyes said, suitcases packed.  
Everyone was signing the yearbooks today, passing them around and promising to write, to stay in touch,  
Professor Potsdam signed mine, as did Minnie, and Ellen, and... even Professor Grabiner. (He signed it 'Hieronymous,' and if anyone wondered why I clutched it to my chest afterwards and looked dazed, you now know why.)  
Virginia couldn't be bothered with anything long, of course.

(My 'possible future career' was Researcher, and I was voted most likely to "go regimental."

What does that _mean?)_  
_It_ really made it sink in.

The end of freshman year.  
It doesn't feel like an ending, not really.  
It feels more like... a beginning.  
...pff, alright, you've heard enough sentimentality.

Until next time,

-Illia Enola Rashemi


End file.
